Marauder Hogwarts Theatre 3000
When the fire gave the telltale whoosh to life, Lily, Sirius and James all groaned.
“You already paid us a visit today, Snape,” Lily said without turning around. “We’ve had our daily dose of bad fic. Please go away now.”
Instead, a very feminine voice answered her. “Umm, I’m not Snape. And I certainly hope I don’t look like him.”
While the others gaped, Sirius took a good look at the girl whose head was in the fireplace and carefully considered her. “No. Your eyes are different and you aren’t hideously ugly. Not a thing like Snape.”
“Not hideously ugly?” the girl asked, making a face. “What a compliment.”
Sirius shrugged. “I’m not at my best when a stranger suddenly appears in my fireplace without warning.”
Getting his voice back, James demanded, “What are you doing here?”
“More importantly,” Lily added, “who are you?”
“I have many names,” the girl said, trying to be mysterious and failing badly.
“Name one,” Lily said unimpressed.
“Fine.” The girl sighed. “Trinity.”
Trinity had the decency to look slightly ashamed. “Yeah.”
“Funny,” James said, turning to Sirius, “she speaks well.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Trinity demanded.
“Have you read your story?” Lily asked, heartlessly.
“I wrote like that purposefully,” she insisted.
“Sure,” Sirius said sarcastically.
“It was on purpose.” James’ tone matched Sirius’ exactly.
“For what purpose?” Lily wanted to know.
“That doesn’t matter,” Trinity said hurriedly. “That’s not why I’m here.”
“Why are you here then?” Lily asked.
“Public service announcement,” Trinity told them.
“Getting information from you is like trying to sleep with a pixie in the room,” James commented.
Trinity’s face screwed up. “What does that mean?” she asked.
“Get to the point!”
“Fine. Fanfiction.net isn’t allowing MSTs anymore.”
There was a pause. “That was the single most unhelpful piece of advice I have ever been given,” Lily said bluntly.
“The Hairy MacBoon flies at midnight,” Sirius said.
“That was the single most unhelpful piece of advice I’ve ever been given that didn’t come from Sirius’ mouth,” Lily amended.
Trinity sighed. “It may not mean much to you, but it makes sense to every one else.”
James looked around the room just to make sure no one else had snuck up on them while they were distracted; no one had. “We’re the only ones here.”
“Yeah, but just listen - ”
“Why?” Lily wanted to know. “You aren’t making any sense.”
“Maybe not to you, but - ”
“Again, only ones here,” James reminded.
Trinity yelled, “Will you please just let me finish?” There was silence. Slightly calmer, she continued, “Well, yes. Could you guys please just play along for a couple of minutes? Then I’ll explain everything.”
“fanfiction.net is allowing MSTs anymore?” Sirius asked in mock horror, taking her up.
“No, it isn’t. And since I don’t want to abandon this, I’m moving it,” Trinity continued.
“Where?” James asked.
“A Yahoo list. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/hpmst/ Or check my profile for a link. I’ve told everyone who’s left me an e-mail address, but this is for anyone who hasn’t reviewed.”
“The rotters,” Lily deadpanned.
“Yes, well I’ll keep this up here until I have to take it down, but it’s already up at the Yahoo group and that’s where new chapters can be found.” She stopped and smiled. “Okay, that’s it.”
“Thank God,” Lily muttered. “Mind explaining what that was all about?”
“Yeah, about that.” Trinity’s eyes were everywhere except for on Lily, James and Sirius. “I can’t actually explain.”
“But you said - ”
Trinity winced. “I lied. Sorry about that. How ‘bout I do something to make it up to you?”
“And we’re trusting you now why?” Lily asked.
“Okay, I deserve that. But really. Ask me anything.”
“Can you get us out of here?” James asked.
“I’ll work on it,” Trinity said evasively. “I’ll make sure that you aren’t left down here to rot, but I don’t know how long it’ll be before I can find a way out of here for you. Something else, then.”
“Get us a way to communicate with the outside world,” Lily said. “The fireplace only works with Snape.” She frowned. “And now you.”
“No, it’s still only Snape. I’ve . . . well, let’s just say I’ve put myself in Snape’s place.”
“Meaning?” Lily asked.
“Meaning I owe you another thing. Sirius, your turn to pick.”
“Something to drink would be nice,” he mused.
“There’s plenty to drink in the kitchen,” Trinity said, confused.
He grinned. “I was talking about something a little stronger.”
Trinity made a ‘o’ with her mouth. “Can’t you just . . . ?” Her head bobbed around the fire.
“What does that mean?” James asked.
She looked slightly embarrassed. “That was me making my wand-waving motion. I forgot you could only see my head.”
“You mean make our own?” Sirius asked. “Sure, but have you tasted wand-make wine? It’s hangover material if there ever was some. No, you can’t just make wine out of nothing. Not even the people who work at wineries do that; they only slightly enhance the Muggle-made wine with certain spells. And even then, it requires a lot of work and is not something the average wizard can do.”
“I’ll see what I can do,” Trinity said, sounding more confident this time. “Bye then.”
“Bye,” they chorused.
The seconds dragged out uncomfortably and nothing happened.
“Uh, guys?” Trinity asked sheepishly. “How do you turn this off?”
Tuesday, April 02, 2002
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