Marauder Hogwarts Theatre 3000
Lily and Sirius were lying on her bed, both engrossed in novels they had smuggled out of the library while Remus wasn’t watching. Peter was sitting on the chair by Lily’s vanity, his own book (Apparating to Zeniflow: A Guide to Wizarding Transportation; Peter hadn’t been talked into slacking off by Lily and Sirius and was still conscientiously researching possible escapes) lying, face down, on the surface. He was quietly muttering to himself.
“Lily, Sirius,” he asked, “how long have we been here?”
Lily rested her book on her chest and looked up, concentrating. “Six days,” she answered.
Without looking up from his book, turning a page, Sirius said, “Five.”
“It’s been six days, Sirius,” Lily said.
“It’s been five days, Lily,” Sirius mimicked.
“Six. Three days of Trinity Day’s fic, one of i luv snuffles’ and one anonymous story, plus today makes six.”
“Five,” Sirius countered. “We arrived shortly after midnight on Day 1. We were forced to read one the first part of Trinity Day’s fic. Twenty-four hours passed. Day 2, we were forced to read the second part of Trinity’s fic. Another twenty-four hours passed. Day 3. You guessed it, Trinity Day. Day 4, my fan’s fic. Day 5, the Deathday Party fic.”
“Which was yesterday,” Lily reminded him. “You just proved my point.”
“Au contraire,” Sirius said. “Today is Day 6, true, but Peter asked how long have we been here. We have been here for five days. Today is the sixth.” He looked over at Peter. “Actually, I’d like to change my answer. We have been here for five and a half day, having arrived originally at midnight and it being noon right now.”
“You’re impossible,” Lily said.
“What day is it?” Peter asked.
“Thursday,” Sirius answered immediately.
“What date is it?” Peter asked.
“The twelfth,” Lily told him. “Why all the questions?”
“It was just after the new moon when we came in here, right?” he asked. “And we’ve been here for almost a week, which means - ”
“The full moon is in a couple of days,” Sirius finished for him. He and Lily exchanged a worried glance, then he leapt off the bed and bounded towards the door, Lily close behind him. Peter hurried after them.
James was in the living room, flipping absently through one of the text books, but Remus was nowhere to be seen. The door to the library was open, however, and it didn’t take a genius to figure out that was where the boy was.
A few seconds later, Remus exited, his nose in a book. He looked up. “I thought I heard someone come in. Going to help look for a way out for once?”
“Remus,” Sirius said, ignoring the dig, “the full moon’s in a couple days.”
“Three to be exact, yes, I know,” Remus said.
“Weren’t you going to mention something?”
“Why do you think I’ve been trying so hard to get us out of here?” Remus asked. “Just for the hell of it?”
Sirius looked a little guilty. “I thought you just didn’t want Snape to win this round.”
“No, Sirius, that would be you who doesn’t like admit defeat to Snape on anything, not I. Although you have been putting on a remarkable act of seeming not to care this time,” Remus said.
“I never admit defeat to Snape!” Sirius declared. “He’s such a slimy git.”
“Who never washes his hair,” James added.
“And who has an unhealthy obsession with Potions.”
“Who would not be obsessed with such a subtle beauty as the bubbling ambrosia that is a potion?” James mocked, in his not-very-good impression of Snape.
“He doesn’t wash his hair, either,” Sirius finished.
“Wait,” Peter said, holding a hand out in front of him. “I’m beginning to pick up on something here. You guys don’t like Snape much, do you?”
“Whatever gave you that idea, Pete?” James asked.
“Of course we like - actually, I can’t finish that sentence. It was a great setup, sure, but the words ‘like’ and ‘Snape’ do not belong in the same sentence together unless ‘not’ is there as well,” Sirius said.
“No, even then I don’t think they go together even then,” James said. “Not like is too weak a word - well, two words - to express our loathing for him. No,” he concluded, “the only time those two words should go together in a sentence together is in the context ‘Snape looks like a Niffler.”
“A Niffler? Those cute furry things?” Lily asked. She was perched on the arm of the couch beside James. “How so?”
“The long, long nose,” James told her.
“An apt comparison,” Sirius said, nodding approvingly. “Although I would say Snape reminds me more of a Erkling.”
“Hide your children,” Lily said dryly, “lest Snape the Erkling entice your children away.”
“I don’t know,” James said thoughtfully. “I can’t see Snape being able to lure children away, although I agree that he is one to warn your children about.”
In a stage whisper, Remus leaned over to Peter and said conspiratorially, “Now we’ve got them onto Snape bashing. There goes the rest of our day.”
Hearing Remus speak reminded the others of what had started the conversation. James got up, lit the fire, and used his wand to set it for communication. “Snape!” he hollered.
“I doubt that’s going to work,” Remus said, but he had to take back the words a couple seconds later when Snape’s face appeared in the fire.
“What do you want, Potter?” he asked grouchily.
“Remus needs to get out of here,” James said bluntly.
Snape sneered. “You all need to get out of there. Why are you telling me this?”
“The full moon’s in three days,” James said.
“Wait,” Lily interrupted. “You told Snape? You told Snape and you didn’t tell me?”
“You found out on your own,” Peter reminded her.
“That’s not the point,” Lily said. “The point is you told Snape.”
“We didn’t exactly tell him,” Remus said quietly, looking very uncomfortable, and Lily decided to drop the matter.
“Yes, I know Lupin’s a werewolf and I know the full moon’s in three days,” Snape said uncaringly. “Again, why does that suddenly get him a free pass out of there?”
James looked at Snape in disbelief. “You can’t leave us down here with him on a full moon. That would be murder.”
“It was murder when you and Black tried to get me to go down the tunnel at the Whomping Willow in sixth year,” Snape said in a cold manner. “Why should I do any differently?”
“You bastard,” Sirius growled. His eyes were blazing, his fists were balled by his side, and he looked like he would have decked Snape if the Slytherin had been in the room. As it was, he took a step closer to the fire. “You little - ”
James quickly stepped in front of his friend, covering his mouth with one hand and using the other to physically hold Sirius back. “Not now,” he said in a low voice. He looked over to his girlfriend pleadingly. “Lily?”
Lily understood. She hurried over and grabbed Sirius by the arm, leading him out of the room. Once the door was firmly closed, Sirius calmed down slightly.
“I don’t see why you had to drag me out here,” he said sullenly.
“Because we need to ask Snape a favour,” Lily told him, “and there’s no way he’ll agree if the two of you are in the middle of another pissing contest.”
Sirius glared at her, but didn’t reply. He folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the wall until the door opened a few minutes later and the other boys came out. “Remus gets to leave first thing on the day of the full moon,” James said quietly. “Just Remus. After it’s over, he has to come back immediately. In the mean time, we have to go to the theatre for today’s bad fic.”
Sirius pushed himself off the wall and right past James, not even looking at his best friend. James closed his eyes wearily as Lily sidled up beside her boyfriend.
“He’ll get over it,” James said in a clear voice. “He always does.”
Lily nodded wordlessly. Together they entered the theatre, where they found Sirius had already taken a seat in the back row. When they went to sit down beside him, he abruptly got up and moved to the front.
Peter got up to follow Sirius to the front, but James waved him down again. “Just leave him be,” he said, a little harsly.
The fic started without title or author.
One day, Lillie
LILY: How come it’s always my name that’s misspelled?
REMUS: And my name, and Sirius’ name.
LILY: They don’t spell James wrong, or Peter.
JAMES: Obviously they like me more.
and James were walking in the Forbidden Forest. James was looking all around him to see if anybody was there.
PETER: Looking for a little privacy, you two?
LILY: How should we know? I long ago gave up trying to predict the characters’ actions in these things, even if the characters are supposed to be based on me. They follow no law or logic known to man.
All of a sudden, somebody ran out from behind them and yelled, “BOO!”
PETER (quietly): How much do you want to bet that it’s Sirius?
REMUS (also quietly): What kind of fool do you take me for?
“Sirius, you ass,” James yelled at him, not bothering to look at him.
PETER: Apparently James agrees with us.
“I knew it was you.”
“No you didn’t,” the boy yelled. “Because I’m not Serious.”
LILY (groaning): Please tell me they’re not going to use that tired joke again.
“We know you aren’t Serious, you’re never Serious,” James yelled.
JAMES: It appears they are.
LILY: Why are you participating? You ought to know by know not to encourage him.
JAMES: Fictional, Lil.
LILY: Fine. Why is fictional you playing along?
JAMES: Don’t ask me.
All the while, Lillie was running her hand through her short, red hair and muttering random insults under her breath.
PETER: That sounds like the Lily we know and love.
Lily glared at him.
LILY: That’s it. You’re banned from my room.
PETER: But that’s the only place we can get away from Re . . . (looks at Remus guiltily) er, never mind.
REMUS: And why exactly are you trying to get away from me?
PETER: What are you talking about, Remus? I never said your name. I was going to say Reeeeeeeading. Reading. It’s the only place we can get away from reading these fics.
REMUS: You’re not very good at making up spur of the moment excuses, Peter.
JAMES: Why do you think Filch always tries to get him to talk when he catches us out after hours?
PETER: You two sure know how to make a guy feel loved.
“Look,” she yelled, finally losing her patience. She grabbed Jame’s arm and pulled him around to face the Boo-yeller.
PETER: Ha! At least I don’t need my girlfriend to think and move for me.
LILY: Fictional, Peter. Fictional.
“I told you I’m not Sirius,” said Peter. He started snickering as James hit him over the head with the two-ton brink
he had in his pocket. Lillie laughed,
PETER: Again, hey!
James looked as if he had been possessed by Snape,
PETER: You better be, that’s all I can say.
and Peter was unconscious.
REMUS: James just happened to have a two-ton brick in his pocket? How on earth was he carrying that around?
LILY: Maybe he charmed it.
REMUS: James is horrible at Charms.
LILY: Maybe I charmed it for him.
JAMES: Firstly, I’m not horrible at Charms, it just doesn’t happen to be my best subject. Secondly, why would I ask my girlfriend to charm a two-ton brick so that I could carry it around in my pocket?
LILY: Because it would be too heavy for you otherwise, James.
JAMES: That wasn’t what I meant.
PETER: Excuse me! I’ve just been knocked out cold and the three of you are discussing how and why James would be going around with a brick in his pocket? I think you’ve got your priorities a little mixed up.
LILY: Relax, Peter. It’s just a story.
PETER: Easy for you to say. You’re not the one who was just hit in the head by a two-ton brick.
REMUS: Strictly speaking, neither were you.
“Let’s leave him here for Remus to eat later,” James said.
PETER: And here I thought the worst had already happened. James!
JAMES: You know I would never do that.
REMUS: Besides, I would never eat you.
PETER: Well thank you, Remus.
REMUS: I don’t like the taste of rats.
LILY (laughing): Oh, calm down, Peter. You take things entirely too seriously at times.
Lillie looked shocked and pretended to know what James was talking about.
LILY: Pretended to know or pretended not to know.
REMUS: It says pretended to know.
LILY: Yeah, but that doesn’t make much sense.
James and Lillie walked out of the Forbidden Forest and to Hagrid’s cabin.
PETER: You’re just leaving me there?
JAMES: I thought we went through that already. We’re just making sure Moony has enough to eat tonight.
PETER: Some friends you turned out to be.
(A/N: I can’t talk like Hagrid!!! I’m not even going to try!!!)
REMUS: Good. Spare us then.
“What are you doing here?” Hagrid asked.
REMUS: I thought the author was going to spare us.
LILY: Obviously just getting our hopes up.
Lillie looked slightly confused and James decided to walk around in circles.
JAMES: Er, why?
“I don’t know,” Lillie said. She pulled on James’s hand and was amazed to see that it came out of its socket.
LILY: Okay, this fic is starting to get very, very odd.
JAMES: Because it wasn’t odd before.
LILY: Not this odd.
The James she had been walking around with all day had turned into a giant doll!
JAMES: As my girlfriend, isn’t that the sort of thing you’re supposed to notice?
LILY: I promise you that I’ll never mistake you for a giant doll again.
Lillie screamed and left the James doll with Hagrid who used it as a voodoo doll against Professor Dumbledor
REMUS: Forgive me if I’m wrong -
PETER: You’re never wrong.
REMUS: - Don’t voodoo dolls generally work on the person they were molded after?
REMUS: A doll in the shape of James could only work on James. It couldn’t work on Professor Dumbledore.
LILY: I also couldn’t go around an entire day mistaking a doll for my boyfriend.
because he wanted to take over the school.
JAMES: That explains a lot, actually.
Lillie ran and ran and went back into the Gryffindor
Inside the theatre there was stunned silence.
REMUS: Did she - Did I -
JAMES: Am I seeing things?
LILY: That can’t be right.
PETER: The author just - just -
REMUS: Spelled Gryffindor right!
common room. James, Remus, and Sirius all sat there. James was laughing hysterically. The Fat Lady was also laughing hysterically. She stood up and got out of the picture and congratulated James on a trick well played.
PETER: People in pictures can’t just come out of their paintings.
LILY: We know that; the author doesn’t.
REMUS: Even if they could, the Fat Lady would never congratulate James on a prank.
JAMES: I don’t know. She likes me.
REMUS: She likes you, yes, not your pranks.
“Guess what guys!” Remus yelled excitedly, jumping up and down. Sirius took that opportunity to leave the common room, muttering about how Remus always got all the attention because he was a man-eating dark creature who would kill them all if they didn’t comply with every word they said.
LILY: Let me get this straight. If we don’t do everything we say, you will kill us all?
REMUS: That seems to be the gist of it.
“What?” James said, slightly annoyed. Lillie had also left the common room. She was helping the Fat Lady get back into her portrait.
“Watch,” Remus turned into a werewolf in broad daylight
REMUS: I can’t do that. I can’t turn into a wolf on will, nor would I want to if I could, and I can’t turn in daylight.
LILY: That’s just on of the many, many things wrong with this fic, Remus.
in front of James and then went on an attacking spree. Half of the Gryffindor house ran away in fear.
PETER: Only half?
“Interesting,” James said, completely composed. He rolled his eyes back into his head.
JAMES: I did what?
LILY: Rolled your eyes back into your head.
JAMES: How exactly do you do that?
LILY (shrugging): Don’t ask me.
“Watch what I can do!” he turned into a stag and started to stick his horns into the wall, making a pretty pattern of holes.
REMUS: For the same reason I turned into a werewolf and started attacking people?
“You two are hopeless,” Lillie said, returning to the common room.
LILY: I’m not sure ‘hopeless’ is the word that I would use.
Remus unbecame a werewolf and James got stuck in Stag form, so he couldn’t turn back
JAMES: Generally saying that I was stuck in stag form implies that I can’t turn back.
LILY: The author obviously thinks we are very stupid and he or she has to explain every little detail. How else do you think they expected to get away with all the other inane details they’ve added to this fic?
and got stuck in the wall. Remus grinned and looked out the window. It was a full moon! He started to prepare himself to transform
REMUS: Wasn’t I just transformed?
PETER: Yeah, but you turned back.
REMUS: Why bother if I was just going to transform again two seconds later?
PETER: I don’t know. For fun?
REMUS: Transforming isn’t fun.
in the common room with everybody watching him. Nothing happened.
LILY: There you go. You weren’t going to transform again.
“I’m not a werewolf anymore!” he screamed.
REMUS (wistfully): I wish.
He started running around the common room, hugging and biting everybody who remained.
REMUS: The ones too stupid to run when a fully-grown werewolf suddenly appeared in the common room.
LILY: Hey, James and I are some of those ones.
JAMES: I wouldn’t go around advertising that if I were you, Lil.
Suddenly, Snape walked into the room.
JAMES: What’s the git doing in our common room?
“Here’s Peter,” he said, dumping Peter on the floor. “You left him in the Forbidden Forest with this,” Snape dumped a pile of bones next to Peter.
PETER: Wait - Snape saved me? You let Snape save me?
LILY: You can block it from your memory if you want. That’s what I’m planning on doing.
“What’s going on?” Peter yelled. He turned into a mouse and ran into one of the holes in the wall that James had made and lived there for the rest of his life.
PETER: Firstly, I turn into a rat, not a mouse. A rat. A world of difference there.
LILY: I’m not sure that’s something you want to be bragging about, Peter.
PETER (ignoring her): Secondly, why would I do that? Can you imagine being stuck as an animal for the rest of your days? What kind of life is that?
Everybody was happy that James and Peter were gone,
JAMES: I’m starting to get the feeling that this author doesn’t like me.
LILY: Starting to?
because now they could help Hagrid take over the school and Lord Voldemort would be a werewolf
REMUS: Did I miss something here? Voldemort a werewolf? Since when?
LILY: I think we all missed something.
on everyday that wasn’t a full moon. Everything was great and James died two days later when Filch shot him with a revolver because he didn’t like animals on Hogwarts grounds.
JAMES: Well isn’t that a cheery thought.
The lights came on and Sirius hurried up the aisle. James stepped in front of him, blocking his way. “Are you finished sulking or am I to expect the silent treatment for the rest of the day?”
The consideration Sirius gave the question let everyone know that his temper had calmed. He would have pushed past James again if it hadn’t. No one was surprised, either, since Sirius was a hothead seldom held a grudge after the initial outburst.
“I think you’ll have to suffer through my silent treatment for a couple more hours,” Sirius said, but he gave James a shy smile to let him know he was forgiven.
Grinning, James slung his arm around Sirius’ shoulder and walked out the theatre with him. “Suffer? It’s a dream come true, having a few hours vacation from having to listen to your obnoxious voice.”
“Prat,” Sirius said endearingly.
Sunday, March 24, 2002
This week's bad fic was written by none other than Black Ice, whose author profile you can find here at ff.n.
Thanks go to Kalantha, Black Ice (No, it only took me a little over a week this time. Be proud of me.), child of shadows, Blue-Chick89, Mimi Izumi, Vaurien, Jessica (I know about the Sunday rule. My family invented the Sunday rule. And the holiday rule. And the party rule. And the weekend rule. Basically, my family has invented rules to keep us from going one day without whatever we gave up. I hope I was able to get this up to you in time for you to read it this week.), Bunni, Erin Faith (I'm going to be using your second bad fic, although not for awhile.), V. S. Bilyak, Mystica (Do you mind if I fix the spelling slightly in your story?), Tess, thistlemeg (With the number of fics I have, ten seems like a likely number of chapters left.), Felicity Aulia Evans, PezMaster (I try not to concentrate on the bad fics. I find it makes my life much easier - or rather keeping my sanity much easier.), Sara (Don't worry, I will finish it. I would never leave our heroes at Snape's mercy.), Amara, and Yumiko.
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, situations, etc. Everything Harry Potter was created by J.K. Rowling, whom I could never be mistaken for. Mystery Science Theater 3000, which this is based on, was created by . . . .(I had to search for awhile since no one in the MST3K section seemed to disclaim their work) Best Brains Inc. I am making no money with this work, I wrote it only for pleasure (and feedback
Also, I have a backload of many badfics, so I don't which one I'll use next. Feel free to keep sending them in. However, please have some semblance to a plot in them. I want my badfic to be of a bit better quality than that of the average MST, as I'm sure you've noticed. Every second word cannot be incomprehensible. Send them to firstname.lastname@example.org