Marauder Hogwarts Theatre 3000
Episode Five

“I’m telling you James,” said Sirius, who was sitting on the counter, swinging his legs and hitting the cupboards with his heels repeatedly, “that would never happen.”

“And I’m telling you it would,” James retorted, who was scrounging the pantry, looking for something to eat.

“That’s because you’re not quite right in the head,” Sirius said, sounding as if insulting his best friend was to be expected, not that he actually meant it.

James, too, took the insult in stride. “Lily agrees with me,” he said.

“Oh, well there’s an argument,” Sirius said sarcastically. “Of course Lily agrees with you. She’s your girlfriend; it’s her job.”

James snorted. “Try telling her that next time we’ve a row,” he said.

Sirius dismissed him with a wave of his hand. “Point is, of course the two of you are going to gang up on poor little defenceless me.”

“Padfoot, you’re anything but defenceless, so don’t try that pity act on me. Besides, it’s two to one, so you don’t have a choice.”

“You just proved my point,” Sirius said, jumping off the counter.

Peter decided to make his presence known. “What are you guys talking about?” he asked.

Both James and Sirius jumped at the sound of his voice. “What are you doing, Wormtail?” Sirius demanded.

“I was looking for you,” Peter said innocently. “What were you talking about?”

“Nothing,” James said quickly.

“Is this the same nothing that you were talking about yesterday?” he asked rather astutely.

“No,” Sirius answered.

“How could it be the same nothing?” James said, giving a better thought-out answer than Sirius’ rash one. “We were talking about nothing yesterday, we were talking about nothing today. Obviously if we were talking about nothing both times, we couldn’t have been talking about the same thing. Don’t you agree, Padfoot?”

“Of course, Prongs,” Sirius said, having recovered. “You’re just being paranoid, Wormtail.”

“Why were you looking for us anyway?” James asked, changing the subject.

“Oh yeah,” Peter said, their mysterious behaviour temporarily forgotten. “Snape’s been by. He wants us in the theatre.”

Sirius groaned. “Already? You know, I’m starting to get annoyed at being at Snape’s beck and call.”

“Just starting?” James asked. “But the good part is if we go now, we don’t have to worry about him being back later today.”

Peter, a little anxious and not wanting Snape to resort to blasting the siren in their ears again, was bouncing slightly when he said, “Shouldn’t we get going?”

“Lead on, Macduff,” Sirius said grandly. Peter, who had no idea what he was talking about, ignored him and started for the theatre. He was used to Sirius making odd, incomprehensible comments.

James, however, usually was on the same wavelength as Sirius, and didn’t like it when he didn’t understand the other boy. “What are you talking about?” he demanded.

Throwing back his head and touching the back of his hand to his forehead, Sirius said mournfully, “My poor, uneducated friend. Tell me you are jesting. Do not tell me that you do not know of the Bard.”

“Lily!” James whined to his girlfriend, who was standing with Remus at the end of the hall right in front of the theatre. “Sirius is going on about Muggle things again. Tell him to stop.” Lily didn’t look particularly sympathetic.

Ignoring them, Sirius went on, “Though I suppose it isn’t the actual line, so perhaps you were merely confused. I shall give you the benefit of the doubt and forgive you.”

James looked to Lily beseechingly.

“Aren’t you gracious,” Lily said dryly. They walked into the theatre together. Snape was waiting for them onscreen.

“What took you so long?” he asked crossly.

“We were in the middle of a discussion about the relative merits of popular culture over literature,” Sirius said. One who didn’t know him so well would believe he was completely solemn. Luckily, everyone in the room (or looking into the room) knew him too well.

“I suppose you won’t mind reading and discussing the relative merits of this bad fic, then,” Snape said sarcastically.

“Actually,” Sirius said, cocking his head, “I think I may have to pull the line there. You’re trying to compare the Bard and some random author - and I use that term lightly - here. It’s like trying to compare apples and dungbombs.”

“Unfortunately, you don’t have a choice in the matter. Enjoy!” Snape smiled greasily and disappeared.

Lilly and James Halloween Date

LILY: Well, this is off to a bad start; they’ve already misspelled my name.

SIRIUS: You mean that’s not how you spell ‘Lily’?

LILY: Shut up.

SIRIUS: I’m just asking.

JAMES: Drop it, Padfoot.

REMUS: They also misspelled ‘Hallowe’en’.

PETER: They misspell a lot of words, Remus. I thought you were over that.

REMUS: I wish. No, I just try to keep quiet about it, so as to not go mad.

James Potter was walking down the hall and suddenly he got cold. He looked up it ws Sir Nick he had walked right through him.

SIRIUS: That’s incredibly rude, James. I thought you had more manners than that.

PETER: How does one accidentally walk through a ghost, anyway? It’s not as if they’re the most inconspicuous thing out there. Wouldn’t James have noticed Nearly Headless before walking through him?

REMUS: Or wouldn’t Nearly Headless Nick have mentioned something, or moved out of the way, before James had the chance to walk through him?

LILY: Haven’t you learned by now that very little that happens in these things would happen in real life?

"Oh hi" he said startled.

"Hi James" said Sir Nick his head flpping around

SIRIUS: Because that wouldn’t be awkward, just having your almost-sawed-off head flapping around for no reason. No, not awkward at all.

JAMES: His head was chopped off - almost - not sawed off.

SIRIUS: Details.

"I was wondering could you come to my deathday party it's on Halloween."

LILY: Doesn’t that sound pleasant: a Deathday Party.

REMUS: Certainly better than, say, the annual Hogwarts’ Hallowe’en feast.

JAMES: Between the two, the choice is obvious.


PETER: Obviously not obvious to you, James.

said James. "But can I invite my friends Remus Serius, Peter and Lilly?"

LILY: Sure, drag us into it.

PETER: We were perfectly happy going to the Hallowe’en feast, you know.

LILY: There’s still hope. Nearly Headless hasn’t agreed yet. Maybe we won’t be allowed to go.

"Of coarse you may"

LILY: And there goes that hope.

said Sir Nick and his head fell backward

JAMES: Again, random.

REMUS: A very good portion of this story is random.

but didnt fall off because of the half inche of tendon and sinew left on his neck.

LILY: Lovely picture. Really.

PETER: And we need this information why?

SIRIUS: For the less than one percent of the population who didn’t previously know that Nearly Headless Nick almost had his head chopped off, but not quite.

JAMES: Hold on, but if they didn’t know that, then they would be confused over why there’s an inch -

SIRIUS: Half an inch.

JAMES: - half an inch of tendon and sinew attaching his head to his neck.

SIRIUS: Good point. To answer your question Peter, no reason.

So James went back to the commmon room.

REMUS: To tell us the good news, no doubt.

SIRIUS: I’mmm sure that Jammmmmmmes can’t wait to tell us . . . mmmmmmm

PETER: What is that about?

JAMES: The extra ‘m’ in common, I’m sure.

SIRIUS: He’s right.

LILY: I think the quality of these fics is deteriorating rapidly.

REMUS: They weren’t stellar to begin with.

SIRIUS: That’s supposed to be my line. (at their blank looks) Stellar? Sirius? Star? (sighs) Never mind. Let’s just get back to the story.

His friends were all around the fire and Lilly was in the corner.
"Hey guys want to go to a party on Halloween?"

Rimus looked sad "I can't my ... my mother is sick"

JAMES: Why on earth would you know that you’d be off because your mum was sick ahead of time? If you had really been that stupid and obvious about your excuses, Remus, we would have figured it out much earlier than we did.

SIRIUS: And we already did figure it out early on.

PETER: Sirius, you were the last one to figure it out.

JAMES: And even then we had to come right out and tell you.

SIRIUS: That’s not true. I knew before Lily.

LILY: First of all, you have no idea whether you knew before me since you have no idea when or how I figured it out. Second, you lived with Sirius. I barely knew him until halfway through third year. You certainly ought to have figured out before I did.

REMUS: Let’s just get back to the story, shall we?

PETER: Haven’t heard you said that in a while.

"I thought she was sick last month" said Sirius

"Yah and the month before that

LILY: God, Remus! At least vary your excuses a little.

REMUS: I did! At least in real life I did.

said Peter Pettagrew, who was in Gryfindor but probably should have been in Hufflepiuff.

PETER: Thanks for the vote of confidence.

JAMES: Hey, don’t put down Hufflepuff. My dad was in that house.

SIRIUS: And look how you turned out.

JAMES: What’s that supposed to mean.

SIRIUS: Nothing.

PETER: Now, is that the type of nothing you guys weren’t talking about earlier?


LILY (sarcastically): That certainly cleared things up.

JAMES: I’ll explain later.

PETER: How come Lily gets to be in on it?

SIRIUS: Lily’s always in on that when James is involved.

"Wel shes sick again" said Rimus and he left looking upset.

"So what about you to your mums sick too?" asked James grinning.

REMUS: I know I’ve been trying to cut down on my comments about spelling and grammar, but that sentence was just painful.

LILY: I agree.

PETER: For once we don’t think you’re just being unreasonable about it.

"No we can come" said Pweter.

SIRIUS: Thanks for answering for me, Pete. I wouldn’t have been able to do it on my own.

LILY: I thought he was answering for me.

PETER: Maybe I was answering for all three of us.

"Party harty" said Sirius grinning.

LILY: Very articulate, Sirius.

"where is the party?" said Peter concerned.

PETER: You didn’t think to answer before you accepted the invitation, though. You deserve what you get.

LILY: A little harsh on yourself there, Peter.

"Its in the dungeon its Nerly Hedless Nicks death day PARTY" SAID JAMES.

REMUS: Why is this suddenly all in capital letters?

SIRIUS (shouting): Maybe they’re shouting!

JAMES (also shouting): That doesn’t mean you have to shout, Padfoot!

SIRIUS (still shouting): Look who’s talking!

LILY (under her breath): Boys!


REMUS: She managed to write everything in capital letters except the one word that ought to be written so - I.

SIRIUS: She . . . Do we even know who the author of this story is?

LILY (thoughtfully): No, we don’t. It skipped right from the title to the story with the byline.

SIRIUS: That’s too bad.

REMUS: Why do you care?

SIRIUS: If she - or he - write another story, we won’t know what to expect.

JAMES: We never know what to expect with the new authors, either.

SIRIUS: But we won’t know that it’s by the same author as this story was.

PETER: Nor will we really care, if you get right down to it.

"DONT BE AFRaid we'lll protect you"

LILY: They seemed to have stopped yelling. That should please you, Remus.

REMUS: Very little of his whole deal pleases me.

said Serius

SIRIUS: Why do they keep spelling my name like that?

LILY: For the same reason they keep spelling my name with to l’s. Now quit your whining and read.

grinning "Hey James you gonna ask lilly shes right over there!"

LILY: See?

"Oh" said James and his ears turned red. "okay I guess"

LILY (a little coldly): You really don’t have to if the idea disgusts you so much.

JAMES (pained): Lil, not me. I love you, the idea of going out with you doesn’t disgust me. It’s just a story.

LILY (slightly mollified): I suppose.

James sighed in relief and didn’t notice Lily’s mischievous grin. Sirius did, and snickered.

he went over to where Lilly was reading a book. She read a lot of books so she probably should haev been in Hufflepouff

PETER: If she reads a lot of books, shouldn’t she be in Ravenclaw, not Hufflepuff?

too even though she was beautiful

REMUS: Being beautiful doesn’t automatically disqualify you from being in Hufflepuff.

SIRIUS: Take Florence Perks for example.

probably the most beutiful girl in the whole grade.

Sirius looked over at Lily, opened his mouth, then thought better of it and smartly didn’t say anything.

"Hey lilly want to go to Nicks daeathday party on halloween with me?"

SIRIUS: Great idea for a date, Prongs. Brilliant, really.

JAMES: Shut up.

"Okay she said and giggled a lot.

LILY: I do not giggle.

So on Halloween they all snick

JAMES: We all snick out of the feast, did we?

out of the feast and went down to the dungeons where Nick was in the dungeons with a lot of other ghosts and deseased people.

SIRIUS: Ghosts not being deceased, after all.

"Eew whats that! Said lilly jumping back.

"dont be afraid thats just james" said Serius smart alek. James Potter hit him.

Sirius burst out laughing, getting odd looks from the others.

SIRIUS: Okay, you have to admit, that was kind of funny.

LILY: I suppose the puerile humour would appeal to you.

SIRIUS: You really like that word, don’t you.

LILY: I just find that it applies to you more often than not.

"Thats food"

PETER: If Lily couldn’t identify it, I don’t think I’d call it food.

said Peter

PETER: Or maybe I would.

happily and he went to the table full of rotting moldy food and started to eat

PETER: Quite obviously, I’m a moron.

SIRIUS: I wasn’t going to say it.

JAMES: Yes you were.

SIRIUS: You’re right; I was. But Pete beat me to it.

the rotting fish becuase he didn't mind eating crappy stuff when he turned into a rat even though he cant yet he better get used to it.

REMUS: Does anyone have any idea what that was supposed to mean?


PETER: I think it says that rats eat less than savoury food, so I’d better get used to it, being able to turn into a rat and all, then it goes to say that I can’t turn into a rat yet, making this story set before our fifth year.

JAMES: If the author knew when we master the Animagus transformation, that is. You never know with these bad fic authors.

"eew" said Lilly again. "Peter is so disgusting hes just like a rat. How did he ever get to be in Grifindoor."

SIRIUS: Ahh, I’m glad to see the mantle has passed and someone else is keeping the tradition started by Trinity Day to never spell ‘Gryffindor’ right, or even the same way twice.

REMUS: He or she hasn’t spelled any of the other house names correctly either.

SIRIUS: And why should we care about the other houses?

"Easy the sorting Hat said so"

LILY: Well, that’s one very simplistic way of looking at things.

SIRIUS: James is a very simplistic kind of guy.


said James. He kept looking at lilly like she was the prettiest thing in the room.

JAMES: That’s because she was. And is.

SIRIUS: Well Lily certainly doesn’t have anyone in this room tied to the string of her apron. No siree!

LILY: That’s a rather sexist remark.

SIRIUS: Notice how she didn’t deny its validity.

Since everybody else was dead she really was but she was pretty anyway she had long red hair and a dorp dead gorgus figure.

SIRIUS: A dorp dead gorgus figure. That’s certainly something to brag about.

"Your right" said Lilly. She kept looking at James becuse she thought he was the handsomest thing in the room. (A/N She was wrong, Serius was!!! *he is soo hot*)

REMUS: If anyone doubted the sanity of the author - whom I’m quite sure is a she - before this, they won’t anymore.


I wish he would kiss me she kept thinking

James leaned over and kissed Lily.

SIRIUS (disgusted): It was the fic, James, not real life.

LILY (dreamily): No, I was thinking that too.

Sudenly a big piece of fish came flying out and landed on Lilly.

JAMES: Well that was random.

REMUS: Much of this fic is random.

PETER: Didn’t we already have this conversation? I swear we did.

"EEEEEK!!!!!!!" she screamed and fell into James who caught her in his big musclar arms.

Sirius burst out laughing.

LILY (chiding): That’s not nice, Sirius.

SIRIUS: I can’t help it. James . . . muscular . . . (can’t finish for laughing too hard)

Then another fish came flying and then a ham and a big bowl of peanuts and a jello mold and soon lilly was covered in disguxting food

LILY: Really great date you’ve brought me on, James.

JAMES: How about I make it up to you when we get out of here.

LILY: Dinner at The Lion and the Unicorn?

JAMES: Of course.

"What is going on?" shouted james angry that somebody had made his beutiful lilly full of discusting food.

PETER: Actually, I think someone made her covered in disgusting food, not full of it.

SIRIUS: Not unless they somehow got it all in her mouth.

" ha ha ha" somebody laughed. Servus snape

SIRIUS: What’s he doing there?

REMUS: I would have thought Snape wouldn’t have wanted to be included in any bad fics.

LILY: I don’t think he cares, not if he’s making our - fictional - lives miserable.

came out from behind the table he was laughing and Lucius Malfoy

SIRIUS: Because Lucius Malfoy hangs out with Snape all the time.

PETER: Lucius Malfoy probably doesn’t even know we exist. Why would he want to cover Lily in food?

REMUS: The workings of this author’s mind are beyond us all.

was with him and they were laughing. "I got your girlfriend potter, now her close are as ugly as she is"

REMUS: Now her close as ugly as she is. Someone help please?

LILY: Sorry, can’t.

PETER: No clue.

JAMES: Me neither.

SIRIUS: I can’t help.

"TAKE THAT BACK!" yelled potter and he umped

SIRIUS (waggling his eyebrows): Something you aren’t telling us, James?

JAMES (unperturbed): Yes. I have no idea what ‘umped’ means.

on Snape and started beating his head into the ground. Sirus jumped onto Malfoy and punched his face and threw him into a wall where he sat unconshus.

Lilly got up trembling. Oh thank you" she gushed

LILY: I am also not a damsel in distress, thank you very much.

and she picked up Potter and gave him a big kiss right on the lips and stayed there for a long time becuse he tasted so good and it was so good to finaly be able to kiss him. James kissed back.

LILY: That’s about the only thing in this entire fic that I agree with.

"Anything for you, baby" he said huskily, and he put his arm around her waste.

LILY: Not liking it again.

SIRIUS: What, baby, don’t want James touching your junk?

LILY: Besides that, don’t want someone calling me baby. Try it again, Black, and you’ll regret it.

SIRIUS: Really? What’ll you do?

"Good job james" said sir nickolas who was there too and he started to clap and all the diseased

PETER: I thought they were dead, not sick.

REMUS: They may or may not be.

SIRIUS (sarcastically): Thanks, Rem. That certainly cleared things up.

people clapped as they went back up to the Grate hall for the real halloween feast.

"Hey wait for me" said Peter who had ate a whol moldy ham.

PETER: Either the author thinks I’m an idiot or she doesn’t like me.

JAMES: Or both.

SIRIUS: I’m voting for both.

But James and Lilly didnt hear him

PETER: Thanks.

they were too busy looking at each other

PETER: Really, thanks.

and they went back up and danced all night at the feast.

REMUS: Last time I checked, there was no dancing at the Hallowe’en feast.

JAMES: Since when did a little thing like facts stop the fic authors?

the End (R&R ppl and plz no flames)

“That’s it?” Peter asked. “There isn’t any more? The story just ends like that? That was marvelously pointless.”

“I don’t think the word ‘marvelous’ applies to this story in any size, shape or form,” commented Lily.

“There is an upside to it, you know,” Remus said.

“What’s that?” Peter asked.

“We don’t have to endure another part of this crap,” Remus said, surprising the others slightly at his bluntness and swearing.

“Good points,” Lily said, smiling sweetly. “Let’s stop complaining then, shall we?”

“Yes,” Remus said, “and get back to trying to find a way out of here.”

Sirius groaned. “Give it up already, Moony!”

“I’ll give up when we’re out of here,” Remus said resolutely as they filed out of the theatre.

The End
March 16, 2002

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, situations, etc.  Everything Harry Potter was created by J.K. Rowling, whom I could never be mistaken for.  Mystery Science Theater 3000, which this is based on, was created by . . . .(I had to search for awhile since no one in the MST3K section seemed to disclaim their work) Best Brains Inc.  I am making no money with this work, I wrote it only for pleasure (and feedback

Author's Note:  Have you ever reread one of your own stories and realized it was pretty good?  I just did.  No, not this one.  Warning!  Shameless self promotion because I feel like it.  Go read "In the Dark" and don't forget to review!

The badfic in this section was written by Amberluden, who again is a much better writer in real life than in this story.  Amberluden's works are on this site.  Go check them out!

Since many of you asked, I'll tell you all instead of individually: You'll find out what James, Sirius and Lily were up to later.  Don't worry, for once I know, and did not just write that out of the blue, desperately hoping I'd think of a reason later.  I'll give you a hint, though.  They weren't having a threesome.

Also, I have a backload of many badfics, so I don't which one I'll use next.  Feel free to keep sending them in.  However, please have some semblance to a plot in them.   I want my badfic to be of a bit better quality than that of the average MST, as I'm sure you've noticed.  Every second word cannot be incomprehensible.  Send them to

As always, the requisite "thank you!" section.  Thanks to Lucky Smileys, Remus Lover, rabbit, Blue-Chick89, Rain (sorry for subjecting you to so many days of un-updated fics), Black Ice, Arwen Undomiel, Tessie, Jessica (you gave up fic for Lent?  How's that going?  I just stuck to the old faithful - giving up chips.  I don't think I could survive seven weeks without fanfic), Mystica (No, Snape does not screen them - he glances at the first bit and sends them through.  No, I would not object to a fic with notes knwoing it'll be MSTed.  And thanks for clearing that up.), Antigone (No, I'm not going the ranks of the bad NC-17 writers, or even the good ones.  I can't write sex scenes.  And I did get to see the Northern Lights, thanks for asking!), JediPrincess, Iniga (I don't think Snape's going to send them a Snapefic since they're supposed to be bad and I can't see him letting them read soemthing that badmouths him.  Hmm . . . maybe a story where he's the hero, though.), thistlemeg (I'll definitely read yours if you decide to have a go at it), Morgaine Malfoy, Amberluden (In the end, I didn't actually put your name on it, as you can see.  I don't know why.  I think I forgot, then made some comments about it that I didn't feel like changing.), CrazyPsychoGirl (You seem to have some strong feelings against badfic writers... Makes me feel glad you don't include me in that category!), Jiwwy, Erin Faith (You're the only one to pick up on that so far.  Yes, that's part of the reason.), PezMaster, Padfoot's Biggest Fan (Don't worry; your fics aren't anywhere close to being as bad.) and finally angelfish125.