Marauder Hogwarts Theatre 3000
Episode Four

“Still researching?” Peter asked Remus after wandering into the living room.

Remus looked up from his book. “Yes, though I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to take a break. Everyone else has.” A pointed look accompanied his words and Peter shifted uncomfortably.

“Sorry, Remus,” he said. “But researching does get boring after awhile. And I did help all morning.”

Remus sighed. “Yes, you did. That was better than the others. Judging from their lack of interest in trying to find ways of escape, one would almost think that they wanted to stay here.”

“Of course they want to get out of here,” Peter said, sitting down on the couch beside Remus. “When have you ever seen them wanting to research?”

“They were pretty keen when they were working on the Animagus transformation,” Remus reminded him.

“True,” Peter admitted.

“And Lily was always willing to study back at Hogwarts,” Remus continued.

“You’re right. I don’t know why they’re avoiding it then.”

“If they don’t start helping then we’ll never find a way out of here,” Remus said.

A new voice spoke up, causing both Peter and Remus to start. “You aren’t going to find a way out, with or without the help of Potter, Black and Evans.” The fireplace already burning strongly for once, neither one had noticed Snape’s face appear in it.

Remus remained calm as he said, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way, Snape. You were here and you found a way out again. We will find also find a way out of here.”

“In your dreams, Lupin.”

“Haven’t we already had this conversation?” Remus asked.

“If you aren’t in the mood for chitchat, we’ll just jump ahead to the badfic,” Snape said. “Go get the others and bring them to the theatre.”

“You can always ask nicely,” Remus said.

“I can always just sound the siren again to summon you,” Snape reminded him.

“We’ll be there in two minutes,” Peter promised, wincing at the memory of the ear-splitting noise.

Snape disappeared, and Remus turned to Peter. “Do you know where the others are?”

Peter shook his head. “I haven’t seen them for a couple of hours.”

“Where could they be?” Remus asked, frowning slightly. “It’s not as if there are many places for them to go here.”

“Lily’s door is closed,” Peter said helpfully. “She’s probably in there.”

There was a slight pause, then Remus said, “And James is missing as well? Let’s find Sirius first, shall we?”

Unfortunately, it wasn’t as easy as that. After searching through all the other rooms of the dungeons without any luck, the two boys wound up in front of Lily’s closed door. “Er, you knock,” Peter told Remus.

He did and a couple seconds passed before Lily shrieked, “Don’t come in!”

From in the room came the muffled sound of frenzied activity, then the door opened slightly, just enough to let a head peak out, but not enough to let Peter and Remus see into the room. But the head didn’t belong to James or Lily, much to their surprised, but Sirius.

“What are you doing in there?” Remus asked before he could stop himself.

“Nothing,” Sirius said. “What do you want?”

“Is James in there too?” asked Remus.

“Yes. Is this the Spanish Inquisition, or is there a reason you interrupted us?”

“Interrupted what?” Peter asked.

“Nothing,” Sirius said.

“Couldn’t you hear us calling out your name?” Remus asked curiously.

“We had a Silencing Charm on the room,” Sirius told him.

“But you could hear the knocking.”

“Lil’s a Charms prodigy, remember?” Sirius asked. “It was slightly modified.”

“Why did you have a Silencing Charm on the room?” Peter asked.

“No reason,” Sirius said. “Hold on a moment.” He disappeared out of sight, closing the door on their faces. Seconds later, the door opened widely and James and Lily were standing with Sirius.

“What do you guys want?” Lily asked.

“Snape’s been by. He wants us to go to the theatre for today’s edition of his badfic torture,” Remus explained.

“Already?” Sirius asked. “My, my, how time flies.”

“What were you going in there?” Peter asked.

“Nothing,” Lily, James and Sirius chorused.

“Why don’t we get to the theatre before Snape decides to use the siren again,” Remus suggested.

They went into the theatre, where Snape was waiting for them on the screen. “What took you so long?” he asked impatiently. “I was about to turn on the siren.” He didn’t look happy that they had arrived before he was got to use the siren.

“Couldn’t find Sirius,” Remus explained.

“I didn’t actually care,” Snape said, rushing on. “Since you’ve enjoyed the last story so much, I’m going to leave you hanging. You don’t get to read the fourth part of it this time. You have to read this instead.”

“Does that mean we aren’t going to find out if Lily survived the werewolf?” Sirius asked. “How disappointing!”

“Shut up,” Lily said.

I Love U No I Hate You

PETER: Interesting title.

REMUS: You’d think she’d take the trouble at least to spell that properly. The title is what people first see. I don’t think we’re going to like this one much.

LILY: Shame on you Remus! Didn’t your mother ever teach you not to judge a book by its cover?

REMUS: Somehow I think this title is a good indication of how good the story will be.

By ~*i*luv*snuffles*~

SIRIUS: Hey - that’s not Trinity Day. You mean other people write these too?

Lily Evans had red hair that cascaded down her back and emerald green eyes, it was her eyes that she liked best, all the boys in her school loved her.

LILY: Well, that made no sense. Do all of the boys at Hogwarts love me for my eyes or my hair? Or do those two phrases have no real connection?

REMUS: Actually, there were three phrases that really had no correlation.

JAMES: Lily, you know we love you for more than your eyes or your hair.

SIRIUS: Yeah, the rest of your body isn’t half bad, either.

JAMES: You know that’s not what I meant.

Her sister Petunia was ugly and looked like a horse

SIRIUS (laughing): You know, she’s right; you’re sister does oddly resemble a horse.

LILY: I’d kindly advise you to refrain from insulting my sister, Black.

SIRIUS (defensively): I was joking, Lil. Besides, I’m not the one who made the comparison in the first place. (under his breath so Lily couldn’t hear) However apt it may be.

with her long neck. Lily went down to breakfast.

"Hi Mom, hi Dad, I love you!" Lily said.

"Hi sweetheart, will you get the mail?" Daffodil Evans asked.

LILY: Daffodil? What kind of name is Daffodil?

REMUS: Your mum’s, I’m assuming.

JAMES: It does seem to fit . . . Lily . . . Petunia . . . Daffodil.

SIRIUS: Who in their right minds would name their children after flowers?

LILY: This coming from the boy who’s named after a star.

SIRIUS: It’s a family tradition. It wasn’t as if I was there to help name myself. Besides, didn’t you once say that you and your sister were both named after flowers because your parents thought it would be “cute”? At least my name is more meaningful.

LILY: Lily and Petunia are still better names that Sirius and Mira.

SIRIUS: Are not.

LILY: Are too.

SIRIUS: Are not.

LILY: Are too.

REMUS: Stop! None of us want to listen to the two of you act like children. Just drop it and we can continue.

SIRIUS (under his breath): Are not.

Lily went to get the mail. Petunia stuck her tongue out at Lily when she walked by.


SIRIUS: I’m deaf.

LILY: It wasn’t enough to tell us that I screamed. No, she actually had to type it out.

PETER: What did you expect?

"Lily dear, what is going on?" asked George Evans.

LILY: Also not my father’s name.


REMUS: Kewl?

PETER: I think she meant ‘cool’.

REMUS: I got that. But who on Earth would say going to Hogwarts is cool?

JAMES (shrugging): Maybe it’s a Yankee thing. I’m pretty sure the author’s American.

PETER: What makes you say that?

JAMES: She spell ‘mum’ wrong.

"Lily we are so proud of you!" Daffodil and George hugged Lily. Petunia had a terrified look on her face.

"YOU ARE A FREAK!" she shouted at Lily. "I HATE YOU!"

LILY: Oh, please. It took her longer than two minutes to start thinking that I was a freak.

SIRIUS: If you’ll notice, it hasn’t even been two minutes and already she’s calling you a freak.

LILY (exasperated): Sirius . . .

SIRIUS: Just trying to be helpful here.

JAMES: Sure, Padfoot.

SIRIUS (protesting): I am!

PETER: Very convincing.

JAMES: Yes, I’m amazed at how believable you are.

SIRIUS: You wound me. You really and truly wound me.

REMUS: It doesn’t take much, does it?


JAMES (under his breath): Wuss.

SIRIUS: What was that?

JAMES (innocently): Nothing.

"Honey, lets go to Diagon Alley and get your school stuff," said Lily's parents.

SIRIUS: And I’m sure they both said the exact same words at the exact same time.

PETER: I’m also sure that Lily’s Muggle parents were perfectly willing to believe the letter stating that, not only was magic real, but their daughter was a witch, just like that.

LILY: Actually, it didn’t take much to convince them, but then again, I received more than just a letter in the mail. They probably would have thought that was just a prank, if I’d only received a letter.

SIRIUS: I only received a letter, and my parents didn’t think it was a prank.

JAMES: Both of your parents also went to Hogwarts, Padfoot.

SIRIUS: What’s your point?

JAMES: Never mind.

When they got to London, Lily suddenly saw a place called The Leaky Cauldron.

PETER: Just like that. Suddenly, you reached London, and there it was: capital-T the Leaky Cauldron. Great eye-sight you have there, Lily.

LILY: Especially considering capital-T the Leaky Cauldron is no where near the train station, or any of the Underground stations, either. Besides, do you know how much trouble I had spotting it the first time? If it hadn’t been for the fact that I had explicit directions for where to find it, I probably would have missed it.

REMUS: That’s hardly surprising. The Leaky Cauldron has many charms up around it to keep the Muggles from noticing it.

LILY: I’m not a Muggle.

JAMES: You don’t have to be so defensive, Lil. The charms keep everyone from noticing it unless they know exactly what they’re looking for - Muggle or wizard.

SIRIUS: Or witch. Incidentally, I had no problems finding the Leaky Cauldron from Muggle London the first time I went.

JAMES: Padfoot, the first time you were in Muggle London, we were with Lily and we went out through Diagon Alley. Of course you knew where it was and had no problems seeing it.

SIRIUS: Well, I didn’t say otherwise, now, did I? I was only pointing out that I saw it all right the first time.

PETER: Is anyone else finding Sirius annoying today?

REMUS: You mean more so than usual?

LILY: Yes, on both accounts.

SIRIUS (miffed): I am right here, you know.

JAMES: Yes. We noticed.

SIRIUS: Glad to hear that. You don’t have to talk about me as if I weren’t here.

LILY: Sure we do.

REMUS: Enough. Let’s just get back to the story, shall we?

"Mom, Dad, there it is!"

George and Daffodil Evans looked where Lily was pointing at but they couldn't see anything.

SIRIUS: Suddenly having been struck blind.

PETER: What are you talking about, Sirius?

SIRIUS: They couldn’t see anything, they were struck blind.


JAMES: I thought it was obvious.

SIRIUS: Thank you, Prongs. (to the others) Great minds think alike.

REMUS: And fools seldom differ.

SIRIUS: Which explains why you, Lily and Peter didn’t get it, I suppose.

Lily showed her parents how to get into Daigon Alley by tapping the bricks.

LILY: With that spare wand that we kept around our house before I became a witch, I suppose.

"Oh honey, you ARE a witch, we are so proud of you!" Daffodil said.

JAMES: So she didn’t actually believe Lily was a witch before this, yet she took her to Diagon Alley on a possible wild goose chase regardless.

LILY: That’s my fictional mum for you.

The Evans walked toward a store that was called Madam Malkin's Robes to get Lily's robes for school.

SIRIUS: And here I thought they’d get potion ingredients in Madam Malkin’s Robes for All Occasions.

JAMES: The name didn’t tip you off? I thought you were smarter than that. I guess I was wrong.

When she walked in the door, Lily ran into a boy. He was tall with very messy black hair

PETER (sarcastically): I wonder who that might be.

SIRIUS (pretending to cough): James.

and gorgeous deep blue eyes

REMUS: Maybe not, unless James’ eyes have changed colour since first year.

and he was very very cute. (A/N: aahhh jamsie yayaya)

JAMES: Does anyone have any idea what that is supposed to mean?

SIRIUS: Jamsie?

Lily glared at him.

"What is wrong with you?" she asked him. "You are a clumsy git!"

PETER: Didn’t she run into him?

LILY: I don’t care what the fic says, I did not run into him; I’m not that clumsy. He must have run into me.

REMUS: I’m slightly disturbed that you are using the same logic as the author of this fic has you using.

"No you are!" the boy said. He was very cute, and he thought Lily was cute too. Wait, no, I hate this girl.

REMUS: Suddenly we’ve switched viewpoints from Lily to this boy, in the middle of a paragraph, no less.

JAMES: And does anyone else think this boy is slightly psychotic, hating Lily because she ran into him. (at Lily’s glare) Or he ran into her, whichever.

"Jamesie - poo,

PETER: Okay, so obviously the mysterious boy is James after all.

SIRIUS: Jamsie-poo?

JAMES (coolly): If you ever call me that, Sirius, if you even consider calling me that, I will hurt you.

what is going on? Is that a damsel in distress?"

LILY: No. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, thank you very much.

PETER: She only has to get up from off the ground, after all.

SIRIUS: Even Lily can handle that on her own.

LILY: You probably couldn’t, though.

SIRIUS: Ouch, that hurt. … No, actually it didn’t. You’ve got to work a little harder on your insults, Lil, if you want anyone to actually be insulted.

It was another boy who could have been the first boys twin. He had black brown hair and dark eyes that were very dreamy, all the girls had a crush on him or James or Remus. (A/N: ahhh siri I love u!)

SIRIUS: I’m trying to figure out whether I should be flattered or scared.

REMUS: Judging by the content of this story, I’d go for scared.

LILY: Several things. One, Sirius and James don’t look enough alike to be mistaken for cousins, much less twins. Sure, they’re roughly the same height, and both have black hair, but that’s where the resemblance ends. Speaking of black hair, two, Sirius’ hair is entirely too dark to be considered brown.

PETER: She did say ‘black brown’.

LILY: It’s too dark to be considered ‘black brown’. Three, his eyes are not dark. Four, he’s not dreamy, all the girls do not have a crush on him, nor him or James or Remus, all of whom none of ‘the girls’ would know at this time, it being before Hogwarts started in our first year, especially considering at the time we were all eleven years old. No offence to you three, but you weren’t that good looking in first year and all the first year Gryffindor girls had a crush on Mark Aurelius.

PETER: I don’t remember him.

LILY: He was a Hufflepuff three years ahead of us.

SIRIUS: You’re kidding, right? Mark Aurelius? You had a crush on him?

LILY (blushing slightly): I was eleven.

JAMES: You’ve had a couple of embarrassing crushed over the years, too, Padfoot.

SIRIUS: Yeah, but not Mark Aurelius.

REMUS: I should hope not, unless there’s something that you’re not telling us, Sirius.

Lily stood up and slapped him.

JAMES: Sirius often gets that reaction.

"I hate u both!" she said. Then she went into Olivander's to get her wand.

LILY: What happened to my parents?

After she had got one that was 9 inches, willow with unicorn hair,

LILY: Ahem, my wand is ten and a quarter inches long, and not made of unicorn hair.

she was very excited. She knew charms was going to be her best subject, because Ollivnader had said her wand was good for charms.

REMUS: Just because your wand is good for Charms doesn’t mean that Charms is going to be your worst subject. My wand is supposed to be good for Charms, too, but I’m horrible at that subject.

LILY: No your not, Remus.

REMUS: I’m lucky if I get over the course median in that subject.

LILY: That doesn’t mean you’re horrible at it.

SIRIUS: This coming from the Charms prodigy.

LILY: I’m not a prodigy in Charms, I just happen to be good at it, okay?

Suddenly she ran into the two handsome boys again.

SIRIUS: You know, I don’t think I mind this author.

PETER: If not in real life, than at least in a girl’s imagination, right Padfoot?

SIRIUS: Right. Hey! No, in both real life and in the author’s fantasies.

"Hi Lily it is good to see you again want a Canary Cream?"

PETER: A what?

asked the second one.

REMUS: Which one is supposed to be the second one? We were never told which one was the first.

"Ok" Lily said and she ate it. All of a sudden, she had a bird's body!

LILY: It serves her right, for voluntarily taking anything Sirius or James offered.

PETER: I guess that’s what a Canary Cream is, something that turns you into a bird.

SIRIUS: A canary, I’d venture.

JAMES: Did you figure that out all on your own, Padfoot? I’m very proud of you!

Then she was a girl again. Her emerald eyes were flashing with anger. She
took out her wand.

LILY: Having just bought it five minutes ago, my natural reflex was to reach for my wand when provoked.

"Greenus hairio!" she shouted at Sirius and his hair turned green.

REMUS: You also seem to be a natural at spellcasting.

PETER: Fake spells, no less.

Then she said "Acnpimplo!" and the other boys face was covered in pimples.

SIRUIS: That’s not the spell for causing a person’s face to break out in pimples.

JAMES: And we would be the ones to know.

REMUS: I’ve noticed that many of these author’s ‘spells’ work when they shouldn’t.

"I HATE YOU!" Lily and the boy both shouted at each other.

Ooookkkayy that was the end of ch. 1 how did u guyz

LILY: And girl.

REMUS: I doubt she knew who the audience was. She’s not omniscient.

LILY: She’s omniscient enough to know details about our lives, than there’s a good chance she’s omniscient enough to know who’s reading it.

REMUS: A person cannot be partially omniscient, Lily.

LILY: You’re the one who brought the word into the conversation!

PETER: Does anyone else find it creepy that there are people out there that know so much about our lives?

JAMES: Well, now, they don’t actually seem to know much. Sure, they know our names, some basic bits about our school . . . and that Remus is a werewolf and the rest of us - well, not Lily - are Animagi.

REMUS: That’s the part that I find particularly disturbing.

JAMES: Other than that, they don’t know much, at least.

REMUS: That’s not exactly comforting.

like it????????

REMUS: Not particularly.

PETER: On the plus side, with this new author we didn’t have to suffer through horribly misspellings of ‘Gryffindor’, which was nice.

SIRIUS: Or McGonagall.

JAMES: You’re not going to let that drop, are you?

SIRIUS: Prongs, when have you ever known me to drop something?

JAMES: Well, never. Not voluntarily, at least.

Okies I need 27 reviews or else no more ok????

REMUS: You say that as if it were a bad thing.

And don't worry next time I will have lots of remmie - poo

REMUS: And here I was hoping I would be spared.

PETER: At least you aren’t being ignored, as I seem to be yet again.

LILY: Pete, it’s a blessing. Believe me.

also yayay! Okies r&r peoplezz!

JAMES: Are any of those real words?

REMUS: ‘Also’, but nothing else.

Snape appeared on the screen. “Did you enjoy?”

“We liked it about as much as the last one,” Remus said truthfully. “Are we going to get the next part tomorrow then?”

“No,” Snape said.

“Then we’ll find out what happened to Lily in Trinity Day’s story then?” James asked.

“No,” Snape said again. “I’ve decided to let you hang a little longer. Tomorrow you’ll get a story from . . . ” he trailed off. “I don’t remember who it’s by at the moment, nor do I particularly care. You’ll find out tomorrow.”

He disappeared and the lights came on. As they were filing out of the theatre, Remus remarked, “That sounds slightly ominous, doesn’t it? With any luck we’ll be out of here by then.”

Sirius groaned. “Give it up, Moony!” he exclaimed. “You’re obsessed. It’s wearing thin on our nerves. We’ll find a way out of here, but not if you drive us all to suicide to escape your fanaticism, we won’t.”

Moving close to James, Lily whispered into his ear, “It’s nice to see Sirius having to put up with someone else’s obsession for once. Gives him a taste of his own medicine.”

“Shush,” James said, but he was smiling. “They’ll hear you.” He nodded at Remus and Sirius, who were bickering up ahead.

“So?” asked Lily.

“So then we won’t get to watch them fight!” James said.

The End
Saturday, February 16, 2002

Author's Note: Okay, so I don't know what I was thinking when I uploaded the last part.  I went to Whitehorse, not Yellowknife, and I had a great time.  Again, new episodes will come out every week or two, depending on how busy I am.

The bad fic used in this part was written by thistlemeg, who is a much author better in real life than she was writing this.  She's an author here at ff.n, so check out her profile page.

Thanks to everyone who's reviewed this so far.  I'm glad you're all enjoying it.  Antigone (I'm glad I made your day!), Amberluden (Of course I'm continuing.  And thanks for sending in a bad fic.  I'll be using it in the next part.  Do you want it to be under any particular pen name?), Princess Keia (I'm always happy to distract people from their schoolwork!), child of shadows, Tessie, Jessica (Of course I don't mind that you reviewed twice!  It makes me unbelievably happy that you liked it enough to not only read it more than once, but also review it more than once.  And don't worry, I'm not planning to stop any time soon.  There aren't many other MWPP MSTs out there, but one good one is Ariana Black's.), Iniga (I've seen a couple of good HP MSTs, more many, many more bad ones, which is too bad.  I've seen it done very well in other fandoms.  And I'm glad that people can tell the difference between my 'good' writing and my 'bad' writing!), Rhiannon Potter (I try my best.  Plus, I use spell checker!), Mystica (Yes, it does make me happy that I was recommended.  Thanks for telling me.  I'd be happy if you submitted a bad fic.  And - Zhai'helleva?), Black Ice (I agree with the horrible state of many of the bad fics, which is why I'm only going to MST ones that have some worth and are readable.), thistlemeg (Thanks again for the badfic!), Mrs. Grim (I think for now I'm going to stick to using purposefully written badfics, but if I'll keep that in mind if I change.), Wildmage, SamWitch (No, I hadn't considered MSTing and MST.), allison, Bunni Girl, Time Twins, and Erin.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, situations, etc.  Everything Harry Potter was created by J.K. Rowling, whom I could never be mistaken for.  Mystery Science Theater 3000, which this is based on, was created by . . . .(I had to search for awhile since no one in the MST3K section seemed to disclaim their work) Best Brains Inc.  I am making no money with this work, I wrote it only for pleasure (and feedback

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