Marauder Hogwarts Theatre 3000
“All right,” said Lily, arms akimbo. She surveyed the three boys on the couch. “Which one of you took my book?”
“You can just take one of the other ones,” Remus said, waving his hand at the frighteningly large pile of books stacked hazardously in the corner. “We’ve plenty to go through.”
“No,” Lily said, “I’m not talking about a research book, I’m talking about Pride and Prejudice. Where is it?”
“Lily!” Remus chastised. “You’re supposed to be helping us find a way out of here, not reading your Muggle story.”
“That’s what I was doing all morning,” Lily exclaimed. “I’m sick of it and I want to read my book. Now where is it?”
James closed his book quietly and placed it on the table. Then, as calmly as he could, considering he was as on edge as Lily was from all the research Remus was forcing them to do, he asked, “Lily, sweetheart, why do you think one of us took your book?”
“I can’t find it anywhere!”
“Well? Where have you looked?” James asked reasonably.
“Everywhere! I tore my room apart, and I know that’s where I had it last,” said Lily.
“Maybe it got mixed in with the other books,” James suggested.
Lily shook her head. “I didn’t take it out of my room,” she insisted.
“Have you asked Peter? Maybe he’s seen it,” said Sirius.
Remus started. “Where is Peter?” he asked, looking around the room.
The other two boys stared at him.
“It’s official,” Sirius said. “You’re obsessed.”
James added, “He went to the kitchen to get a snack twenty minutes ago. We made a whole big deal out of it. You even asked him to bring you something back.”
Remus looked at him blankly. “Really? I don’t remember that.”
“That’s because you’re obsessed,” Sirius said.
“We’re thinking of starting a twelve-step program for you,” James continued. “Of course, Sirius will be the founder as he’s the only one with experience with obsession around here.”
“Excuse me,” Sirius said, sounding putout, “but I believe we’re ganging up on Moony here, not me. Besides, you certainly had the market cornered when Lil’s involved.”
“You are ten times worse than I am whenever you get a new girlfriend,” James retorted.
“Boys, stop it! In case you’re forgotten, we’re trying to figure out where my book is, not who is more obsessive than whom,” Lily said.
The fireplace came to life and Snape’s head appeared. “Greetings,” he said nastily.
“Not now, Snape,” Lily snapped. “We’re in the middle of something.”
“Drop it,” Snape said. “I’m here to give you your daily dose of bad fic.”
“Not now,” Lily said a little more emphatically.
“Listen to the girl,” Sirius said. “Sod off.” Using his wand, he doused the fire, effectively getting rid of Snape.
“So none of you have seen my book,” Lily said.
“No,” James said.
“Not since I got it for you yesterday,” Remus added.
Lily turned to the last boy. “Sirius?”
“Yes?” he asked guilelessly.
Lily’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Have you seen my book, Sirius?”
“Yes,” he replied promptly.
“Where is my book, Sirius?” Lily said dangerously.
The fire started up again. Snape looked angry. “Don’t do that,” he said.
“Can you not take a hint, Snape?” James asked. “Bugger off.”
“Where is my book, Sirius?” Lily repeated.
“You have to go read the bad fic now,” Snape said. “I don’t have all day.”
“Neither do we, Snape,” Lily said, “and we don’t have time for this right now. Sirius? I’m waiting.”
“Is anyone listening to me?” Snape asked.
“No,” Remus told him.
“Fine,” Snape said sullenly. “You have two minutes to get to the theatre, or else you will regret it.” He disappeared, but no one paid attention.
“Right here, Lily,” Sirius said without a trace of guilt. He tilted his copy of Hogwarts, a History to reveal a smaller book nestled inside. Lily snatched Pride and Prejudice away from him.
“You had it?” she practically screeched.
“Padfoot,” James said, stepping in between his best friend and his girlfriend, “why did you steal Lily’s book?”
“I was bored, Prongs. This - ” he held up the copy of Hogwarts, a History, “has got to be the most boring book in the world, and I figured that out the first time I read it. Pride and Prejudice is infinitely more interesting.”
“Why didn’t you just get another book from the library?” James asked.
“Because he lives to vex people, that’s why,” Lily said.
“Lily,” James said, exasperated, “I’m sure that wasn’t the reason.”
Sirius grinned broadly. “Actually, that’s about right.”
“Padfoot, I’m trying to help you here,” James said. He wasn’t surprised by Sirius’ explanation, knowing his friend well enough by then to expect as much.
“You worry too much, Prongs,” Sirius told him. “I was bored - being stuck in the dungeons of Hogwarts with nothing to do will do that to me. I thought this would stir things up a bit.”
“I’ll stir - ”
The rest of her words were lost when an ear-shattering siren rang out. Everyone covered their ears to block out the noise and Lily had the sense enough to take out her wand and perform a Silencing Charm. Things were silent for a minute before the siren started again.
Peter ran into the room. “What is that?” he shouted, barely making himself heard over the din.
“I think it’s Snape,” Remus answered, also shouting. “The cinema! The cinema!”
He ran towards the theatre room and the others, taking the hint, followed as quickly as they could. When Peter, who was the last one to come in, slammed the door behind him, the siren stopped and they breathed a collective sigh of relief. Snape appeared on the screen; the curtains had already risen.
“Was that really necessary?” Remus asked crossly.
“I told you that I didn’t have all day,” Snape said. “Perhaps next time you’ll listen to me and come to the theatre when I say so.”
“It’ll be a cold day in hell when we do what you say so, Snape,” Sirius said darkly.
“You say that now, Black, but you snapped to attention last time I gave you an order.”
“In your dreams,” said Sirius.
“You talk big words, Snape,” James said coolly, “for a man too afraid to come down and face us himself.”
“Enough,” Lily said firmly, her voice rising slightly. “We can either stand here all day trading insults, wasting everyone’s time, or you, Snape, can give us the fic and leave. We would all prefer the latter. But if you insist on staying here and being needlessly annoying, I for one am leaving.”
“If you leave then I’ll set off the siren again,” Snape threatened.
“Fine,” Lily said, crossing her arms across her chest. “Then put up the fic and get out of here.”
“Why should I?” Snape asked.
“Because that’s why you’re here!” Lily shouted out in frustration. “The only reason we’re down here is because you want to ‘torture us into insanity through bad fic’. The only reason you deign to show your face -” (Sirius interrupted to modify, “Ugly face”) “- is so that you can give us said bad fic. Now give it to us or leave.”
“Before you say anything,” Remus said, for Snape had opened his mouth and, judging by the insolent expression on his face, was about to say something offensive, “know that we have been very patient. Thus far, we have submitted, and with very little complaint. However, there is no way that you will be able to keep us down here forever. We will get out of there and take our revenge on you. Do not antagonize us more than necessary.”
“In other words, give us the damn fic and get your greasy head out of here,” Peter said.
Snape had no response to that except to disappear off the screen. His face was replaced by the fic.
As the five went to take their seats, James pulled Sirius to the side and whispered, “Lily’s in a bad mood.”
“I can see that, Prongs,” Sirius said.
“No, I mean it, Padfoot. Don’t provoke her like you did yesterday.”
“Why?” Sirius asked. “Is it that time of month?”
James blushed. “That’s exactly the kind of comment I’m talking about. Please. If either of us wants to get out of here alive, you have to behave today.”
“All right, all right,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes. “I’ll behave.”
“Good,” James said, and went to take the seat beside Lily.
James and Lily
By Trinity Day
PETER: The title changed.
REMUS: What? No it didn’t.
PETER: Yes it did. Don’t you remember the big fuss we made yesterday about the order of the names? Lily came first.
SIRIUS: Actually, it was two days ago.
PETER: That’s not the point.
LILY: Hey, it did change! That’s not fair! I liked coming first.
SIRIUS: You know, there are so many things I could say to that.
JAMES (warningly): Sirius . . .
SIRIUS: But I won’t.
LILY: You’re sick.
McGongal ran out into the field. “DETENTION!” SHE YELLED. “DETENTION!!!!!!!!!!!!! ONE HUNDRED POINTS FROM GRIFFIYDOR
SIRIUS: McGonagall - spelled correctly, unlike this fic - certainly is in a point-taking mood, isn’t she?
JAMES: Although I think it’s a little more warranted for this incident than it was for us being up after curfew.
PETER: In our own common room.
LILY: Yes, Peter, we went over that yesterday. Repeatedly.
REMUS: Speaking of which, didn’t she take off something obscene, two hundred points or so?
LILY: I think it might have been three.
REMUS: Yet she only takes off one hundred when a prank leaves Lily and James without clothes in front of the entire school.
JAMES: We’ve been through this already - this fic isn’t logical.
SIRIUS: It makes perfect sense to me.
LILY (muttering): It would.
SIRIUS: What’s that supposed to mean?
PETER: Let’s just continue, okay?
(A/N: I’m ski[pping ahead, OK? I don’t feel like writing it. Pretend like a week has past snd its now Sat. night and their at they’re detention.)
PETER: Like a week?
SIRIUS: So, if the author gets to skip the parts she doesn’t want to write, shouldn’t that mean that we get to skip the parts that we don’t want to read?
REMUS: Wouldn’t that be the entire fic?
JAMES: Sounds good, but I don’t think it’ll work.
SIRIUS: I guess not. Besides, if we weren’t reading it, then we wouldn’t be able to mock it.
JAMES (dryly): Always looking for the silver lining, eh, Padfoot?
Lily didn’t like the Dark Forest.
LILY: I’ve never been to the Dark Forest, so I honestly couldn’t say one way or the other.
“Are you cold, Evans?” James asked.
LILY (sarcastically): No; I shiver when I’m hot.
JAMES (frowning): Wait - does this mean that Lily and I are in detention?
REMUS (startled): I think you’re right. We skipped ahead to the detention, didn’t we?
PETER: But why would you two be the ones in detention? You were the victims. We pulled the prank. Well, maybe not me. I can’t remember if I was there or if I was still in the hospital because Snape had hexed him. Which you never got him back for, may I add.
REMUS: It’s only a story, Peter. It’s not real.
LILY: It still doesn’t explain why James and I, the victims of the prank, are the ones receiving detentions.
SIRIUS: Actually, you two also came up with the idea, if you remember.
LILY: So? I think we suffered enough.
Yes,” Lily admitted.
“Here.” James offered her his cloak.
JAMES: Making me cold instead.
LILY: What? Too great a sacrifice for your girlfriend?
PETER: Actually, you two hate each other in this story. Remember?
LILY: Right. I’d forgotten, it’s so stupid an idea. I suppose you’re forgiven, James.
JAMES (dryly): Thanks, Lil.
REMUS: Why is he offering her his cloak? As Peter pointed out, their enemies. I can’t see any of us offering our cloak to Snape.
SIRIUS: I would.
REMUS: I can’t see any of us offering our un-hexed cloak to Snape.
SIRIUS: Of course not. How stupid would that be?
PETER: Then why is James offering Lily his cloak?
SIRIUS: Methinks fictional Prongs has a crush on fictional Lily.
JAMES: Methinks Padfoot might be on to something for once.
SIRIUS: For once?
“I don’t - “ Lily’s hand flew to her mouth. She had almost said that she was frightened of the Dark Forest! In front of James! She would never live that down.
“You don’t want?” James asked.
LILY: You don’t want?
REMUS: I’m sure it’s supposed to say ‘what’.
“What are we looking for again?” Lily asked.
“Wolf bane,” James answered. “You can only find it on a full moon.”
SIRIUS: Dum de dum dum. Plot twist ahead.
REMUS: Also completely inaccurate. Firstly, it’s wolfsbane, not wolf bane. Secondly, it can be found at any time of the month. I should know.
LILY: Speaking of which, how much do you want to bet that someone you being a werewolf comes into play in this story?
JAMES: Considering it’s a full moon, nothing. I’m no fool.
Lly shivered again because she looked up at the full moon. “What about the werewolves?” she asked. “They live here in the Dark Forest.”
PETER: Hey, do you suppose that this ‘Dark Forest’ might be the Forbidden Forest? It’s the only forest around Hogwarts, and if they’re supposed to be in detention . . .
LILY: I think you’re on to something. But what idiot would change the name from ‘Forbidden’ to ‘Dark’?
James laughed. “Werewolves?” he said nervous. “There’s no such things a werewolves.
PETER: Very subtle, James. I’m sure that’ll keep her from guessing one of her best friends is a werewolf.
LILY: Because in real life you four were so much more clever at keeping it a secret.
REMUS: You never did tell us how you figured it out.
LILY: You’re right; I didn’t.
Lily was confused.
SIRIUS: Hardly surprising.
LILY (menacingly): And exactly what is that supposed to mean, Sirius?
SIRIUS: Only that it’s hard not to be confused when you’re with this great dunderhead.
He pointed to James. James whacked him.
JAMES (sarcastically): Nice save, Padfoot.
“But they’re in our school Book.
SIRIUS: Book, of course, deserving a capital letter.
REMUS: Thank you for bringing to attention the grammar mistakes, Sirius. I was trying to ignore it.
We learnt about them in DADA. I thought they were real?”
“They are real,” James said.
REMUS: And once again I exist.
“I meant that there aren’t any in the Forest. Dumbedlor and Hagrid wouldn’t allow us to be out here by ourselves if there were werelwolves wandering around.”
LILY: Hagrid and the Headmaster wouldn’t allow us to wander around the Forest alone period, let alone if Remus was out running. There are other dangerous creatures out there, after all.
“What if Dumbledor doesn’t know?” Lily asked.
SIRIUS: Is nothing sacred? She’s spelling Dumbledore’s name wrong, too.
“Dumbeldor knows everything.” Said James.
REMUS: I should hope not.
SIRIUS: Oh, God. Please don’t tell me you’re going to go on another one of your guilt trips, Moony.
REMUS (defensively): Well, one of us has to have a conscience.
“I think I see it!” Lily yelled. She pointed at the wolf bane.
Just then, a gigantic wolf came running!!!
SIRIUS: Told you so.
Lily screamed. The noise attracted the wolf. He came running towards her. He leapt on her.
Lily and Remus both looked rather pale.
REMUS: This is supposed to be entertainment?
JAMES: Relax, Moony. Lily’s not going to die.
Lily could feel its claws running across her.
REMUS: This isn’t accurate; I would have gone at her with my teeth first, not my claws.
Just when she thought she was done for, a giant white stag
SIRIUS: Again, that was unexpected.
rammed it’s horns
JAMES: They’re called antlers.
into the wolf. The last thing Lily saw was the beautiful white stag looking down on her with concern in its eyes.
Will Lily die?!!!!!??!?!?!? Or will James save her?!?!?!?!??!?!??!??!
SIRIUS: The latter.
SIRIUS: So what?
DID YOU LIKE?
LILY: No. I didn’t like. I could write a better story with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back.
SIRIUS: Ooo, kinky.
I wont continue unless I receive 25 reviews!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JAMES: Don’t make promises that you don’t intend to keep.
The screen cleared and they got up.
“Hey, Snape didn’t show up,” Peter noted.
“I guess he was too scared of Moony,” Sirius said, glee in his voice.
“How likely do you suppose it is that we’ve scared him off completely?” Remus asked wistfully.
Lily put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Sorry, Remus. I think we’re going to be stuck here for a little longer than that.”
Saturday, February 2, 2002 (or 02/02/02)
Sorry for the wait. From now on, I should be putting out a new part every week or two during the weekends. The next one, however, will not be out next weekend as I'm going to be in Whitehorse, hopefully seeing the Northern Lights.
Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far: Tessie, Masterscribe (No, I will not be doing a MST with Harry and Co. Many other people have done it. Besides, I prefer the MWPP gang.), ~*Crystal Lily*~, Ashlynn Black (Which badfics?), Antigone, Black Ice, Rain, Nemi, Iniga (I always am delighted when I receive reviews from you. Then I immediately feel guilty because I remember that there are a couple of your stories that I haven't reviewed when I should have.), Vampyr Vixen (MST stands for Mystery Science Theatre, a tv show that mocked bad movies. I know I told you this, but someone else might be curious.), E.K.Nighthawk (Yes, MST fanfic is a popular idea), tiffany, Meg, child of shadows, Tiff, Time Twins, and thistlemeg (Yes, I received your badfic, thank you very much. I'll use it for the next chapter. What name do you want me to use as the author, and do you want me to give your e-mail address?). I'm glad all of you are enjoying it.
Send any bad fic to me at firstname.lastname@example.org