Marauder Hogwarts Theatre 3000
Episode Two

Remus was at his wit’s end. “I can’t believe we haven’t found a way out of here yet!”

“Relax, Moony,” Sirius said lazily, watching his friend pace from his spot lying on the couch. “We’ve only been here a day. There’s plenty of time.”

“How can you be so calm about this? Snape outwitted us and trapped us here.”

Sirius sat up and looked at Remus in horror. “Blasphemous!” he gasped. “Remus, how could you?”

“What’s blasphemous?” Lily asked through a yawn, coming into the living room. She was still in her pajamas, looking like she had just woken up. “’ Morning, guys.”

“Good morning, Lily,” Remus said.

“Well, well. Look who’s decided to join us,” Sirius said.

“Give me a break,” Lily said, shoving Sirius’ legs out of the way to make room for herself before plopping down on the couch beside him. “I didn’t get much sleep last night. You four were very noisy tearing this place apart.”

“Hence the description, tearing the place apart,” Sirius said.

“Where’s James? Still sleeping? Peter too?”

“No, they’re in the kitchen, getting breakfast,” Remus told her.

“You’re the lazy one this morning,” Sirius added.

“Did you find anything after I went to bed?” asked Lily.

Remus shook his head in disgust. “Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

“Where else do we have to look?” Lily asked, trying to be practical, hard as it was for her so early in the morning.

“The library,” Remus said. “We didn’t think it would be a good idea to take every book off the shelf to see if any might open up a passageway somewhere.”

“We?” Sirius asked.

“Yes,” Remus repeated, more forcefully. “We.”

“Sorry.” Sirius sounded anything but sorry. “My mistake.”

“Even if we can’t find a way out through there, I took a look at the books last night and there are several titles that will probably help us,” Lily mentioned.

Remus’ eyes lit up. “Really?” He took out his wand and hurried over to the far corner. After tapping the bottom brick three times, the corner melted away to reveal the entrance to a library.

Before he disappeared behind the shelves, Lily called out, “Get me something good to read, okay Remus?”

She and Sirius could hear a faint “Okay” coming from somewhere in the stacks.

“He seems keen to get out of here,” Lily commented to Sirius.

“Obsessed is more like it,” Sirius said.

“Obsessed is more a word I associate with you, not Remus. Why do you think this has him bothered so much? And why isn’t it bothering you?”

“He doesn’t like that Snape pulled one on us,” Sirius admitted. “I’m content to sit back here and plan my revenge on the ugly git for when we get out of here. It’s going to be a hundred times worse than anything he could ever think of.”

“Don’t forget to include me in whatever you’re planning,” Lily said.

“You’ve been around James too long. He’s corrupted you.”

“He’s not the only one,” Lily said.

“Now you’re accusing him of corrupting me!” Sirius exclaimed. “Lily, I’m ashamed as you. I’m telling.”

Lily swatted at Sirius. “Go ahead and tell. Who do you think he’ll believe, you or me? Besides, that wasn’t what I meant.”

“So now you’re using your feminine wiles to brainwash my poor James.”

“Your James?” Lily got up. “Me and my ‘feminine wiles’ are going to go get dressed now.”

A few minutes after she left, Remus came back into the room, his nose in one book, and holding three more in his hands. “Where’s Lily?” he asked when he finally looked up.

“Getting dressed. Find anything good?” Sirius replied.

Remus showed his finds, holding them up one by one. “Hogwarts, A History, Apparating to Zeniflow: A Guide to Wizarding Transportation, Hidden Rooms and Secret Chambers and Pride and Prejudice for Lily.”

“Pass me one,” Sirius said, holding his hands out. He easily caught the book that Remus threw at him and started to thumb through it.

They hadn’t found anything when about an hour later the fire came to life and Snape’s face appeared in it.

“Just when I thought my day couldn’t get any worse,” Remus commented, “Snape pops up to prove me wrong.”

“Really, Moony,” Sirius chastised. “A bad day cannot be complete without a visit from our least favourite Slytherin scum.”

“Very drôle, Black,” Snape said. “Think up some new insults.”

“Like yours are any better,” Sirius muttered under his breath.

“Get the others in here,” Snape ordered. “I need to talk to you all.”

“Hey!” Sirius yelled at the top of his lungs. “Get in here! There’s something ugly in the fire.”

“What’s up, Padfoot?” James asked as he, Lily and Peter came in. Then he spotted Snape and said, “Ugh. You’re right. That’s disgusting.”

“Funny, Potter,” Snape said sourly.

“What do you want, Snape,” Lily asked.

“To inform you that you have another bad fic waiting in the theatre to be read.”

“That’s it?” Peter asked. “You had to summon all of us here just to tell us that? Couldn’t you have just told Remus and Sirius and have them tell us to go to the theatre? It would have been just as easy, if not easier.”

“He’s right, you know,” added Remus. “Your way, you had to go through all the trouble of convincing Sirius to do what you wanted - although you didn’t this time, did you.” He turned to Sirius and asked, “Since when do you do anything Snape tells you to, much less do it immediately without any argument?”

“I have to keep him on his toes,” Sirius said. “Can’t have Snape getting complacent and start thinking that he can predict what we’re going to do, now, can we?”

“Next thing you know, he’ll begin thinking that he can outsmart us, too,” James added. “No, Padfoot, you were right.”

“Are you two quite finished?” Snape asked impatiently.

“They’re never ‘quite finished’,” Lily said idly, looking through the books on the table. “Pride and Prejudice?” she questioned.

“It’s by a Muggle author,” Remus explained.

Lily smirked. “I know that, Remus. I’m the Muggle-born here, remember?”

“Wait - where’d you get that book?” Snape demanded.

The five prisoners looked at each other, wondering if Snape had finally lost it. “Uh, the library?” Lily said at last.

“Library? There is no library! I checked that place over from top to bottom, and there is no library.”

“Obviously you didn’t check well,” Lily said. “We found the library last night.”

“And if you’ve been here,” Remus extrapolated, “that means that there is a way out of here as well.”

Snape looked furious at himself for giving that away. “Just go read the bad fic!” he snarled, disappearing from the fire.

“What say you, men?” Sirius said, standing up. Lily cleared her throat and he added, “And lady. Shall we go read?”

“Let’s see,” James said. “Bad fic, sit around being bored, bad fic, sit around being bored. I say to the cinema!”

He charged away, Sirius on his heels, the others following at a more sedate pace. When they reached the theatre, the lights were already out and the title was already on the screen.

“Shh,” Sirius said. “It’s started.”

Taking his seat, Remus said, “Nothing’s happened yet, and once again, it is still a fic, meaning that we do not have to be silent to read it.”

“Shouldn’t we have popcorn?” Peter wondered.

“Next time,” Lily promised. “Now shh!”

Lily and James

Chapter Two

By Trinity Day

LILY: Chapter two? How long was the last part?

REMUS: Too short to be considered a chapter, that’s for sure. But then, remember the author. I doubt that she is hung up in the technicalities of it all.

PETER: Or the spelling, or the grammar, or the characterization, or the -

REMUS: We get the picture, Peter.

McGonagal showed up.

Sirius gasped.

SIRIUS: She misspelled McGonagall’s name!

JAMES: Has she no fear?

SIRIUS: Sure, I do lots of things to McGonagall . . . set off dungbombs in her class . . . bring in Cornish Pixies to reign terror . . . but never misspell her name!

JAMES: Obviously this girl has never handed in an assignment to McGonagall.

SIRIUS: Failing grade, that’s for sure.


LILY: A little harsh, isn’t it? Three hundred points for being in our common room after curfew?

SIRIUS: Maybe she has met McGonagall and is basing this on her experience after she misspelled her name.

REMUS: Are you going to get over that?

SIRIUS: Not likely. And aren’t you the one who was obsessing over spelling and grammar last time, Moony?

Remus got a pained looked on his face.

REMUS: Please don’t remind me of that, Sirius. I’m trying my hardest not to think about it.

PETER: You know, it’s a good thing that we’re not in this ‘Grindor’ house, or else we might have lost quite a few points.

JAMES: And since when does McGonagall show up in the common room unless it’s for bad news?

SIRIUS: I think losing three hundred points constitutes as ‘bad news’ Prongs.

JAMES: You know what I mean, Padfoot. Usually the bad news runs more along the Voldemort has attacked and killed another student’s family lines than we’re in our common room after curfew and therefore must lose three hundred points lines.

LILY: Three hundred points is an awful lot to lose, as well. I mean, you four have been on the verge of expulsion dozens of times, and what’s the most points you ever lost?

SIRIUS (promptly): Two hundred. But believe me, that was a lot more serious than being up after curfew.

PETER: In the common room.

REMUS: I think we’re all in agreement that McGonagall’s punishment is excessive. But then, this fic doesn’t seem to have much basis in reality, does it?

PETER: I suppose so.

REMUS: Then let’s continue.



“I’M going to get Evans for loosing us those 400 points lat night,” James said to Sirius and Remus. (A/N: Peter was in the hospital wing because Snape cursed him.)

PETER: What?

LILY: Exactly how did I lose the four hundred points? And wasn’t it three hundred points before?

PETER: Hello? I’m suddenly in the hospital wing because Snape cursed me and you and James are more worried about the points you lost. Does anyone else see something wrong with that?

SIRIUS: Yes. We should be plotting how to get Snape back instead of worrying about the points Lily lost.

LILY: Hey! I didn’t lose those points!

JAMES (soothingly): It’s just a fic, Lily, it’s just a fic.

“We could enchant her quill to turn into a rubber chicken.” Remus said.

“We could throw toads into her caldron during potions.” Said Sirus.

“I know! “ James said. “At the Quidditch game on Sat. we’ll enchant Lily’s robes so that they become invisabile!”

PETER: Is it just me, or did we have better pranks during our first week at Hogwarts?

SIRIUS: I don’t know . . . this making Lily’s clothes disappear sounds pretty good to me.

Lily and James both smacked him.

REMUS: I’m not convinced that we aren’t in first year.

SIRIUS: Double negative, Moony. This fic’s really getting to you, isn’t it?

REMUS: Dear God, you’re right. It is. Remind me why we agreed to read this again?

JAMES: Because reading it keeps us in Snape’s good graces and if we’re in Snape’s good graces we’re more likely to get him to slip up and tell us the way out of here.

REMUS: Is it worth reading this drivel?


LILY: I’m still trying to figure out how I’m to blame for losing those three or four hundred points.

REMUS: Get over it. The fic isn’t logical.



“I Can’t belive that poophead James lost us 300 points!” Lily yelled.

LILY: We’ve gone back to only losing three hundred points.

JAMES: Notice how it’s my fault now.

LILY: Better yours than mine.

“We have to get him back!”

Trinity blinked her implausibly (A/N: I don’t know what ‘implausibly’ means, but it means the same thing as ‘fantastically’

PETER: Meaning she does know what ‘implausibly’ means.

) long eyelashes.

REMUS: Maybe not. Most people don’t call their eyelashes ‘implausibly long’.

LILY: How do you blink your eyelashes, anyway?


JAMES: Who said that?

SIRIUS: And why were they shouting?

“I know!” Lily cowed.

LILY: Cowed?

“On Sat’s Quidditch match, we’ll enchant James’ robes so that they become invisiable!”

“He’ll be naked!” Dawn said.

JAMES: Technically I will be clothed; people just won’t be able to see my clothes.

SIRIUS: In the end, it’s basically the same thing.

All three girls burst out giggling. “Ha! Ha!”

PETER: In case we forgot what laughter sounded like.

REMUS: Easy enough to do when we’re trapped down here.

Lily snorted.

LILY: I do not snort.

“That’s going to be so funny!!!!!!!!”

JAMES: Is anyone else disturbed that these girls find it funny that I’m going to be as good as naked in front of the entire school, including the professors?


LILY: How come no one brought this up when I was going to be the one who was naked - or as good as it.

SIRIUS: That’s because we’re all dying to see you naked.

LILY: Hey!

SIRIUS: Well, except for James, but that’s because he’s already seen you naked.

JAMES: I always look forward to seeing Lily naked. … Or something along those lines that makes me sounds a lot less like a stuck-up, sexist chauvinist.

Sirius patted James on the back.

SIRIUS: Don’t worry, Prongs. We know what you meant.

LILY (icily): Yes, we know what you meant.

James gulped.

JAMES: And not in a completely transparent attempt to change the topic, did anyone else notice that both mine and Lily’s plans at revenge are identical?

SIRIUS: It must be true love.

REMUS: Either that or the author isn’t able to think up another prank.

PETER: The ones she did think up aren’t ones to write home about, either.

“Lily said, “I can’t wait!”



It was Saturday, the day of the Quidditch match. Gryfindorn (yah!) was against Slithering (boo!)

SIRIUS: That just about sums up our feelings, too.

Sirius, James and Lily were all on the Quidditch field, ready to play

LILY: Since when am I on the Gryffindor team?


PETER: Geez. They’re on the Quidditch pitch. What did you think they were going to play, football?

Trinity, Dawn and Remus were hiding in the stands, getting ready for the surprise.

JAMES: And what surprise might that be?

SIRIUS: We’re going to see Lily in her knickers, remember?

LILY (dryly): Thanks, Sirius. I had almost forgotten.

Madame hooch blew the whistle and the game started. Before 1 minute had passed, Grfffnder was up 130 to 0.

PETER: Is that even possible? To score thirteen goals in less than a minute?

SIRIUS: If it is, you’ll bet that it’ll happen to Gryffindor against Slytherin.

REMUS: Or Grffnder against . . . what was it again?

JAMES: Slithering. Rather appropriate, if you ask me.

LILY: I’m sure it wasn’t intentional on Trinity Day’s part.

Just then, James caught sight of the Snitch.

LILY: And he chewed Gryffindor’s Seeker out for not seeing it first.

JAMES: Well, if I could spot it, then so could the Slytherin Seeker. We don’t have enough of a lead to win without the Snitch.

LILY: … And James is taking this entirely too seriously.

SIRIUS (serious): You can never take Quidditch too seriously.

LILY (mutters): I forgot whom I was talking to.

PETER: Quidditch isn’t a sport; it’s a way of life.

JAMES: Back to the match.

LILY: You do realize that this isn’t real, don’t you?


He raced towards it, the Slythering Seeker racing towards it to. They were heading right towards eachother and were almost going to crash and at the last possible moment James veered up and he grabbed the Snitch

SIRIUS: And had a foul called on him because Chasers aren’t allowed to touch the Snitch.

JAMES: And he flew over to the Seeker and started yelling at him for not going after the Snitch.

and won the game.

JAMES: Which, again, is impossible, because only the Seeker is allowed to capture the Snitch.

LILY: Are you sure about that? What if something happens to the Seeker?

JAMES: Snitchnip - one of the most common fouls involving any player except for the Seeker touching the Golden Snitch. If something happens to your Seeker, you’re SOL.

The crowds went wild. That was their (Remus, Trinity and Dawn, remember? They were hiding because they were going to pull a surprise prank on James and Lily )

LILY: No, I didn’t remember that. Thank you for reminding me.

SIRIUS: I remember! How could I forget that we’re going to see Lily naked?

JAMES: You do realize that, as a fictional story, you aren’t going to see Lily naked, don’t you?

SIRIUS: Be quiet, Prongs. You can see Lily naked any time you want.


PETER: Their line? Does she mean ‘queue’?

REMUS: I think she meant ‘cue’.

They leapt out and shouted “Clothus Invisibilis!”

LILY: And were amazed when nothing happened because that in no way, shape or form even resembles a real spell.

Suddenly, James and Lily’s clothes disappeared!!!

SIRIUS: Never would have guessed that would happen. Nope. Never.

Lily screamed and flew off. James paraded around proudfully while the female population applauded.

SIRIUS: There is something fundamentally wrong with that statement. Females . . . applauding James’ nude body? Scary thought.

PETER: Very scary thought. Almost as bad as the thought of you naked, Sirius!


REMUS: I also find it hard to believe James would show off his nude body to the professors.

JAMES: Ugh! Did you have to say that?

SIRIUS: I’m also curious as to why the male population didn’t hoot and cheer for Lily.

LILY (threateningly): Sirius, I swear if you say one more thing about me being naked, I’m going to kill you.

SIRIUS: I can’t help it. You’re the only female here. I’m deprived.

REMUS: It’s only been a day, Padfoot.

SIRIUS: I have a problem.

JAMES: We know.

LILY: You have many problems.

To be continued.

PETER: Again, very disrupt at the ending.

REMUS: Would you have preferred it to go on?



Sirius was cut off from most probably remarking on Lily again when James covered his mouth.

“Thank you, James,” Lily said.

“You’re welcome,” he told her.

Snape appeared. “So, did you like it?”

James removed his hand, thinking it was safe.

“I liked the part where Lily was naked,” Sirius said, proving his friend wrong.

“And the rest of it?” Snape asked, not caring about the discussion of Lily’s nakedness.

“Yes,” Lily said gratefully. “Please get Sirius’ mind off of me being naked.”

“I really liked the part where Lily was naked,” Sirius said, more emphatically.

Seething, Snape told them, “The next part will be worse! I’ll make sure it’s unbearable. You will be driven insane by this, I swear.” He disappeared.

“Anyone else not scared?” James asked.

They all raised their hands.

“I - “ Sirius began.

“Padfoot, I swear if you talk about my girlfriend’s naked body once more, I’m going to beat you to a bloody pulp.”

Lily smiled at James. “Thanks.”

“Oh, he’s just saying that to get back into Lily’s good books,” Sirius muttered.

“And it worked,” Lily said. “C’mon, James.” She grabbed his hand and they hurried off, leaving the other boys behind in the theatre.

“So who’s up to researching?” Remus asked brightly.

Sirius and Peter groaned.

The End
Saturday, January 05, 2002

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, situations, etc.  Everything Harry Potter was created by J.K. Rowling, whom I could never be mistaken for.  Mystery Science Theater 3000, which this is based on, was created by . . . .(I had to search for awhile since no one in the MST3K section seemed to disclaim their work) Best Brains Inc.  I am making no money with this work, I wrote it only for pleasure (and feedback).

Author's Note:  I need fics to MST.  I had trouble enough trying to write this one.  In fact, it took me less time to write the rest of the fic combined than it took me to write the part in bold.  These fics can either be pre-written, already posted (such as what Ariana Black is doing for her MST series) or badfics written solely for the purpose of my MSTing them.  Just be warned that I (or rather Snape and perhaps the other characters) will refer to all of them as 'badfic'.  And I will not MST a pre-existing fic unless I have permission from the author.

The only other criteria these fic must have are a) they must be about MWPP (otherwise it would be no fun) and b) they must have some semblance of a plot.  The latter especially applies to any badfic you send me because it gets boring after while to read the same old, same old crap that has nothing to do with anything.  I'm not saying the plot has to be complex, or even big.  It can be very, very simple, as simple as Sirius trying to pull a prank on Snape.  I don't much want a bunch of stupid random events grouped together.  Clichés are always welcome.

Send any badfic or links to fic you want me to MST to  The more original it is, the sooner I will MST it.  Remember, original equals interesting (usually).

Trinity Day