Marauder Hogwarts Theatre 3000
Episode One

The Hogwarts halls were dark and quiet. The only light came from the ball of fire in Remus’ hand. Peter looked around nervously for the fifth time in the last two minutes.

“Where’s Sirius?” he whispered.

Keeping his voice low as well, Remus answered, “He should be here shortly.”

“I don’t like this,” Peter said. “I don’t like this at all.”

“You’ve mentioned that,” Remus told him with a hint of impatience. “A dozen times already.”

“So? I still feel like something’s going to happen to us.”

“BOO!”

Peter jumped three feet into the air. Chuckling, James slid back the hood of his Invisibility Cloak to reveal two heads - his and Lily’s.

“James,” Lily chided, stepping out of the Cloak and not very successfully trying to hide a smile of her own.

“Sorry,” he said, not very repentant while shaking off the Cloak and folding it over his arm. “I couldn’t help it. Sirius not here yet?”

“No,” Remus answered. “Do you know why he wanted us to meet here?”

James shook his head. “Haven’t a clue. I’m sure he’ll explain everything when he arrives.”

“When who arrives?” Sirius asked, coming around the corner.

“You,” Lily answered. “Who else?”

Sirius bowed. “Now that I am here, the party may begin.”

“Party?” Peter asked worriedly, looking around, afraid someone might show up and yell at them.

“Exactly what do you have planned, Padfoot?” Remus asked.

Sirius froze. “Me?” he asked. “James is the one who arranged this midnight rendezvous.”

“No I didn’t. You sent the letters telling us to meet here,” James answered.

“I did not,” Sirius said, shaking his head. “I got an owl from you telling me to be up here at midnight tonight.”

“Is anyone else getting a really bad feeling?” Lily asked.

Just then a red velvet pull rope appeared with a big flashing sign beside it saying “DO NOT TOUCH!” As one, James, Lily, Remus and Peter moved between it and Sirius.

Highly affronted, Sirius said, “I’m not that stupid, you know. If a highly suspicious item appears in the middle of Hogwarts saying “Do Not Touch” do you really think I’ll touch it?”

“Yes,” everyone answered together without the slightest hesitation.

“O ye of little faith,” Sirius muttered.

“O we who know you too well,” James corrected him. “Now, back away from the rope. Slowly.”

In an exaggerated motion, Sirius held out his hands in front of him and started stepping backwards. He bumped into a vase on a stand and with Quidditch-fast reflexes, caught it before it fell. The second his hands touched it, he and everyone else realized that the vase had not been there before.

“Uh oh,” Sirius managed to say before there was a blinding flash of light.

When their vision cleared, the five were standing in a long hallway.

“What was that?” Lily asked. “A Portkey?”

James shook his head. “We weren’t all touching it; it couldn’t have been a Portkey.”

Looking around, Peter asked, “D’you suppose we’re still in Hogwarts?”

“We’d have to be,” Remus replied. “With all the protection spells surrounding the castle, it would be next to impossible to set up a transportation device of that nature that would link Hogwarts with the outside world.”

“What do you suppose it behind Door Number One?” Sirius mused, peering at the door at the end of the hall. He hadn’t been paying attention to the conversation on how they got there.

“Sirius, no!” Lily yelled.

Too late, he opened it. “Bathroom,” he informed them.

Shrugging, James joined in. “Kitchen,” he announced after opening the next door.

“Bedroom.”

“Bedroom.”

Sirius gasped. They all turned to look at him. “Bedroom,” he said. “Can you believe it?”

“Ooo,” James mocked squealed. “Here’s a change - a living room.”

They had come to the last door of the hall. Sirius had the honour of opening it. “I have no idea what this is supposed to be,” he admitted.

The others looked inside. “It looks a little like a cinema - Muggle thing, a theatre,” she quickly added at the blank looks.

The curtain rose. Uneasily, Lily said, “I suppose that’s our cue to take our seats.”

They did and the lights dimmed.

“Ooo,” Sirius said teasingly. “Spooky.”

“Do be quiet, Sirius,” Lily said.

Suddenly Severus Snape appeared on screen. Sirius screamed for real this time.

“Okay,” Remus said with conviction, “that is spooky.”

Snape looked annoyed. “Do you know why you’re here?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Peter spoke up. “Because Sirius was stupid enough to touch the mysterious vase and get us trapped here.”

“Hey,” Sirius protested. “Rule Number One - don’t insult each other when in front of Snape.”

“Yeah,” James agreed. “It takes too much effort when you remember that Snape is just so much easier to insult.”

Snape glowered for a second, but then smiled maliciously.

“Why are we here?” Lily asked.

“This is revenge for the seven years of hell I put up with at Hogwarts,” Snape said with a flourish.

“What?” Remus asked. “Trapping us in a fully furnished flat?”

“You’re not very smart,” Lily said.

Sirius interrupted. “Was there ever any doubt?”

Continuing, Lily said, “You left us our wands. We can just Apparate out.”

“Unless we’re still in Hogwarts,” Peter reminded her.

“You’re still in Hogwarts,” Snape said.

Not willing to take Snape’s word for it, James took out his wand. He tried to Apparate, but nothing happened.

“See?” Snape sneered.

James didn’t look too worried. “We’ll find a way out.”

“Until then, you will be trapped here and forced to read BAD FIC!”

The announcement didn’t exactly strike fear into their hearts. “What’s bavick?” Peter asked, confused.

Snape muttered something incoherent underneath his breath. “Bad fic,” he said, enunciating clearly. “As in horrible fan fiction.”

“Still not getting it,” James admitted. “What exactly is ‘fan fiction’?”

“Fiction written by fans,” Snape explained. “It’s stories written about you.”

“Let me get this straight,” Lily said. “You’re going to keep us here and force us to read stories about ourselves? And you consider this torture? You do realize that as an unrepentant egomaniac, being forced to read stories about himself is hardly going to be torture to Sirius, don’t you, Snape?”

“I’d take offence, except she’s right,” Sirius said.

“Don’t you get it?” Snape asked, frustrated. “They aren’t just stories, they’re horrible stories, written horribly, that you will be forced to endure.”

“Do you think they might be bad?” Remus inquired.

Snape growled. “Just read,” he ordered before disappearing off the screen.

“I love getting Snape riled up,” Sirius said happily.

“Shh,” Peter said as the screen once again lit up to reveal the title. “It’s started.”

“Wormtail,” Sirius said, annoyed, “we’re reading it. We don’t have to be quiet.”

“Just shut up and read,” Remus said.

REMUS: Hmm . . . I wonder whom this story will be about?

SIRIUS: Me!

LILY: Well, doesn’t that just look promising?

PETER: What does ‘r&R’ mean?

REMUS: And ‘gr8’?

LILY: I think ‘gr8’ means ‘great’ spelled phonetically - well, sort of - but I can’t think what ‘r&R’ would mean.

SIRIUS: Right and wRong?

REMUS: ‘Wrong’ is spelled with a ‘W’, Padfoot.

SIRIUS: I know that, but I’m not sure the author does.

JAMES: Rise and rShine??

LILY: How about ‘Rinse and Repeat’?

PETER: Romulus and Remus.

SIRIUS: Someone has Moony on his mind. What do you think about ‘Read and Repress’? It’s supposed to be bad after all. Maybe the author’s giving us a warning.

REMUS: I’m sorry I asked. Let’s just get on with the story.

LILY: Actually, Peter was the one who asked. But continue anyway.

JAMES (sarcastically): Hmm, I wonder who’s talking?

LILY: Snape.

REMUS: Snape.

PETER: Snape.

SIRIUS: James.

JAMES: I don’t -

He stopped and shook his head.

JAMES: Never mind, Padfoot.

PETER: So? We’ve done worse. What year is this supposed to be, first?

SIRIUS: Not much of an insult, either, ‘cretins’. But then I suppose the cretins that Snape calls friends aren’t exactly what you can call smart. That’s probably the worst they can think of.

PETER: Wait, but you just called them cretins.

SIRIUS: So?

JAMES: Say it with me, “Never mind, Padfoot.”

PETER: Never mind, Padfoot.

ALL: What?

LILY: Wait a second - I was the one who said that I hated James.

SIRIUS: When did that happen?

REMUS: And who is this ‘Trinity’ supposed to be?

PETER: Bff?

JAMES: Big fat frogs?

SIRIUS: Butterbeers for fish?

REMUS: Best friends forever.

Lily stared at him.

LILY: That’s right, actually. How’d you know?

Remus shrugged.

REMUS: If she had been offended by something that small, she never would have gone out with James.

LILY: According to this, I hate him, remember?

JAMES: I was trying to forget personally.

SIRIUS: Is it just me, or does it sound like Lily only hates James, not me.

PETER: I think you might be right. But didn’t you plan the prank too?

JAMES (whines to Lily): How come you hate me but not Sirius?

LILY: Because you’re a whiner. Besides, if this wuss can’t stand a measly dungbomb, do you really want her as your girlfriend?

JAMES: Good point.

PETER: Isn’t that ‘wuss’ you, Lily?

REMUS: It’s a fictional version of Lily that bears little to no resemblance to the real person. Therefore, we’re allowed to insult her.

SIRIUS: Yay! Stupid prat!

James hit Sirius.

JAMES: That’s my girlfriend you’re talking about there.

Lily leaned over and kissed James.

LILY: My hero!

REMUS: Moving along.

SIRIUS (blankly): Get what?

JAMES: Wait a second, did they just call Peter a rat?

SIRIUS: Hey, rat, Peter, rat, Peter . . . do you think they might be hinting at his Animagus form?

JAMES: Why, Padfoot, I think you might be right! Imagine that.

SIRIUS: How clever.

PETER: Are you two done yet?

SIRIUS: Yep.

REMUS: Let’s continue.

LILY: Because we all know James only has three friends.

SIRIUS: He had to bribe us to even get that many.

JAMES: Ha. Ha. Very funny.

Sirius bowed slightly.

SIRIUS: Thanks. I thought so myself

LILY: You would.

REMUS: Shall we go on?

PETER: You’re awful anxious to keep reading, Remus.

SIRIUS: Enjoying it?

REMUS: I have a theory that the sooner we get through this, the sooner we can start looking for ways to get out of here.

PETER (sarcastically): Well doesn’t that make me feel special.

Sirius laughed.

JAMES: Stuff it, Padfoot.

SIRIUS (still laughing): I just can’t help it. James - the most popular guy at Hogwarts.

LILY: If it involves me being a target of his pranks, I don’t blame me - her - for not wanting James’ attention.

PETER: Remember, this is a world where dyeing your hair orange is high up there on the prank ladder.

LILY: Good point.

PETER: Again, are we supposed to be in first year?

REMUS (to Peter’s last comment): I hope not. Otherwise this is a little disturbing.

JAMES: Anyone fancying Sirius is disturbing.

REMUS: More so if she’s an innocent eleven year old.

LILY: Those two sentences are just wrong.

REMUS: And the rest of this story is better?

LILY: Point taken.

James counted on his fingers.

JAMES: So far we have one girl whose eyes are purple -

SIRIUS (interrupts): Or ‘voilet’ if you believe the author.

JAMES (continuing): - and one whose eyes change colours. And this is supposed to be a sign of beauty?

LILY: More like a sign that the author can’t make up her mind.

PETER: How do you know it’s a ‘her’?

LILY: Trust me on this one. She’s female.

Lily bursts out laughing.

SIRIUS: See, if we did that, she’d have hexed us.

He peered at Lily’s chest rather obviously.

SIRIUS: So, James, how accurate is this author.

Lily stopped laughing long enough to smack Sirius.

LILY: Behave.

SIRIUS: If I behave, will you tell me how accurate this author is?

JAMES: I’d stop before you said something you regretted.

PETER: Sirius is always saying things that I regret.

REMUS: Usually a few hours later when we’re all in detention.

SIRIUS (sings): Someone’s got a crush on Moony. Someone’s got a crush on Moony.

REMUS: I can hardly contain myself. A fictional character likes me.

LILY: Dangerous how?

PETER: Oh, he’s very dangerous if you’re trying to keep out of trouble.

LILY: And exactly when have any of you tried to keep out of trouble?

She was met with silence.

REMUS: Moving on.

SIRIUS: Good one, James. That’ll go down in history as one of the world’s best insults.

JAMES: Thanks Sirius.

JAMES: Notice how we’re all getting paired off so neatly.

PETER: Except for me.

SIRIUS: But you don’t count, because you’re a rat, remember?

REMUS: I wasn’t going to stop, but since you did, is the spelling and grammar getting on anyone else’s nerves? Half the words have a letter missing, or a letter added, or something else along those lines. The author spelled ‘knew’ correctly the first time, then five words later she misspelled it. She doesn’t seem to know the difference between ‘there’ and ‘their’ and there are entirely too many exclamation marks. Oh, and she doesn’t know the difference between ‘to’ and ‘too’ either.

Everyone stared at him.

LILY: Are you quite all right, Remus? It isn’t getting to you, is it?

REMUS: It’s starting to.

SIRIUS (truly horrified): You can’t let that happen to you. Otherwise, Snape will win!

JAMES: And I may sound sarcastic when I say this, but trust me, I’m being perfectly sincere. You can’t let that happen. It’s a fate worse than death.

LILY: Do what we’re doing, Remus, and laugh at it. Trust me, it helps.

REMUS: I just hope it’s over soon.

SIRIUS: Just don’t let Snape on that it’s bothering you. The git will never let any of us hear the end of it.

PETER: Let’s just get back to the story.

JAMES: What, suddenly we can see my thoughts?

SIRIUS: Scary, isn’t it?

JAMES: Ye - Hey!

LILY (sarcastically): So do you think maybe James might have feelings for me?

PETER: Isn’t the name of this story ‘James and Lily’?

LILY: No, it’s ‘Lily and James’.

PETER: What does it matter? ‘James and Lily’, ‘Lily and James’, they’re practically the same thing.

LILY: It matters a great deal. The real way, my name comes first.

SIRIUS: And you called me an egomaniac.

JAMES: That’s because you are.

LILY (kindly): How are you doing, Remus?

REMUS: Fine. I’m pretending that the entire story is grammatically correct and making the changes in my head.

LILY: Do you think you’re fine for us to continue?

REMUS: Go ahead.

REMUS: You would think that the author would take the time to spell her own name right at least. But then, this is by the same person who has spelled ‘Gryffindor’ five different ways so far, all of them wrong.

Peter looked startled.

PETER: Hey, you’re right! Trinity is the author’s name.

Everyone else gave him funny looks.

LILY: Yeah. You’re just realizing this?

PETER (defensively): I wasn’t exactly thinking about it.

JAMES: At least ‘Dawn’ is a little subtler. Couldn’t she have made a variation of ‘Trinity’ as well?

LILY: Are there any variations on ‘Trinity’?

REMUS: Tertia.

SIRIUS: Three.

LILY: On second thought, I can see why she stuck with ‘Trinity’.

Sirius gasped.

SIRIUS: It’s an attack of the killer dots. Run! Run! Before they kill us all!

LILY: Run, run, before I kill you.

SIRIUS: Someone’s cranky.

JAMES: She’s just leaving us there?

REMUS: In the middle of a sentence?

PETER: I thought you couldn’t wait for it to be over, Remus.

REMUS: I couldn’t, I - You’re right. I will not complain.

REMUS: Tough choice there. Give her reviews or risk not having to read any more of this.

LILY: And this is supposed to be an incentive for her to get reviews?

The last words cleared from the screen and Snape reappeared. Smiling evilly, he asked, “So, did you enjoy?”

“Immensely,” Sirius said. “Has she written the second part yet?”

Snape looked as shocked as the others felt, but they were sharp enough not to let their surprise show.

Catching on, James asked, “If not, will you ask to see how long it’ll take?

Snape sputtered, then disappeared. The curtain went down and the lights came on again. Everyone got up.

“I can’t believe he actually fell for that,” Remus commented. “Hasn’t he learned by now not to trust anything either of you say?”

“Obviously not,” Lily said, taking great pleasure in stretching her legs. “There are three bedrooms, right? I call one for my own.”

“We’re getting out of here, Lil,” James said.

“I share with Remus,” Peter said. “I don’t trust you two,” he added, looking at James and Sirius.

“You wound me,” Sirius said.

“I’m going to stay optimistic and hope we get out of here before we have to worry about sleeping,” Remus said.

Lily shrugged. “Just thinking ahead for every possibility.”

“Come on,” Remus said. “Let’s see what Snape has left us here, anyway.”

The End
Sunday, December 30, 2001

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, situations, etc.  Everything Harry Potter was created by J.K. Rowling, whom I could never be mistaken for.  Mystery Science Theater 3000, which this is based on, was created by . . . .(I had to search for awhile since no one in the MST3K section seemed to disclaim their work) Best Brains Inc.  I am making no money with this work, I wrote it only for pleasure (and feedback).

Author's Note: I will only continue this if I have enough response.  No, this is not a desperate attempt at feedback, but rather I realize that I am hardly the first person to think of this concept, and if people don't want to read yet another MST3K/HP thing, far be it for me to try to cram it down their throat.  I also realize that many of you don't believe me when I give that as my reasoning for wanting response.  You don't have to leave feedback if you're disgusted at me for begging.

The reason I need some type of response is because I need fics to MST.  I had trouble enough trying to write this one.  In fact, it took me less time to write the rest of the fic combined than it took me to write the part in bold.  These fics can either be pre-written, already posted (such as what Ariana Black is doing for her MST series) or badfics written solely for the purpose of my MSTing them.  Just be warned that I (or rather Snape and perhaps the other characters) will refer to all of them as 'badfic'.  And I will not MST a pre-existing fic unless I have permission from the author.

The only other criteria these fic must have are a) they must be about MWPP (otherwise it would be no fun) and b) they must have some semblance of a plot.  The latter especially applies to any badfic you send me because it gets boring after while to read the same old, same old crap that has nothing to do with anything.  I'm not saying the plot has to be complex, or even big.  It can be very, very simple, as simple as Sirius trying to pull a prank on Snape.  I don't much want a bunch of stupid random events grouped together.  Clichés are always welcome.

Send any badfic or links to fic you want me to MST to trinityday@hotmail.com  The more original it is, the sooner I will MST it.  Remember, original equals interesting (usually).

I think that's it.

Trinity Day