Post "Power Outage," Cole reflection piece.  Title inspired by Moby's "Why Does My Heart Bleed So Bad," a fantastic song that can be found on an amazing CD, Play.


It wasn't supposed to be this way. Ha. That's the understatement of the year. But then, life never turns out the way it's supposed to. Or at least that's what they say.

If someone had told me two months ago that I would fall in love with a witch, I would have though they were crazy. I mean, witches and demons. They just don't mix. Yet here I am. And, to make it worse, not only is it a witch I've fallen for, but one of the Charmed Ones and my quarry at that.

It has gone too far. I got into this relationship fully intending to use Phoebe. She was the weak link. If I could get to her, I could get to the Charmed Ones. Never one, in my wildest dreams, did I ever expect to grow fond of her. The very thought was incomprehensible.

But somehow, it happened. Somehow, while trying to deceive her, I started to deceive myself.

For awhile there, I was lying to myself. I kept on insisting she meant nothing to me. It was all a pretense. Then I got a rude awakening.

I couldn't lie to myself any longer. I felt something for her. I was more than fond of her, am more than fond of her. I think I'm in love with her.

I tried to break off all contact with her. It's too dangerous, for both of use. I even contemplated, albeit briefly, confessing everything to her. I was at the verge of telling her the truth about myself. But then, common sense took over.

What would she do if she found out Cole and Belthazor are one and the same? I've had dreams (nightmares, more like it) about telling her. Best case scenario, I only get a little hurt and I never see her again. Worst case scenario . . . Either way, she would never see me again. I don't think I can live with that.

I can't tell her.

I have to tell her. She'll find out on her own eventually. Better she hear it from me, right? That way I can explain and maybe that way she will understand.

No. I can't tell her.

But the longer I wait, the harder it will be to tell her. And the harder it will be to make her understand. Even if I don't tell her, she will find out sooner or later. Wouldn't it be easier if she heard it from me?

Maybe tomorrow night. We can go out to dinner. She's bound to ask. She always asks. I long to tell her. I dread telling her. What is the secret I am hiding from her?

I can't tell her.

Damn her. Damn Phoebe. How does she do this to me? She makes my blood burn with passion. She makes my heart hurt, miserable with the knowledge that I'm hurting her by not opening up completely. She makes my spirit soar heavenwards just with a smile. If I didn't know better, I would think she had enchanted me.

Never before has someone touched me in this way. I never thought anyone ever would. Yet somehow she managed to make her way into a part of me I didn't even know I had, and I have suspicious feeling that she's never going to leave.

No one has ever made me feel this way before. I mean, I killed for her. For her, for me, for us, it's all the same thing now. I don't know whether I killed the triad to save my life or to save hers anymore.

What did that accomplish in the long run anyway? Do I honestly think killing them will keep the Halliwell sisters safe? Hell no. Demons will still go after them, regardless of whether or not someone leads them.

And now I am a traitor. I killed the triad. On its own, that's bad enough, but forgivable. We demons are always stabbing each other in the back. But me, I had to have the bad taste to go and fall in love with the youngest Charmed One. For that, I will never be forgiven. I am the lowest of the low, and even lower still. How can I protect Phoebe when I'm a target myself?

No, I can't tell Phoebe. She just couldn't understand. This way, we may be living a lie, but at least we're living it together.

Trinity Day
November 19, 2000